Part 29 Bus Stop Shock

24th March 1995

Dear Lokie, why haven’t you been to school today? I think, I know the answer to that. Actually, I was quite glad that you weren’t there, because I am still trying to get over the shock, I got yesterday. It was just awful, absolutely terrible!!!!

I had to leave the studio early, because I was meeting Mum. It was quite a bright day with a light breeze playing with a grass in the field behind the bus stop. I was feeling quite cheerful, because Lokie gave me a quizzical look as I was leaving. I was secretly glad, that Lokie would now wonder why I had to leave, as I often wondered, why Lokie’s school attendance has been so sporadic lately.

So there I was at the bus stop, I sat down, on the solitary bench under the shelter, and then BAM! Lokie appeared out of nowhere. Head rush sweeping over me. Panicking inside, I watched him cross the street. I thought he would stop at the end of the bus stop, but he walked right up, and without a word he stood silently beside me. I didn’t even look at him, I was too busy holding myself together, studying my hands, and then counting every little stone on the ground in front of me. …3,4,5,6… There were no other people around, and no reason for him to stand right there.

My heart pounding in my head, I felt like someone has literally hit me at the back of my neck. I haven’t moved an inch, I probably wasn’t even breathing. Completely frozen, bound in palpable awkwardness, feeling sick… Still counting the tiny little stones trapped in the concrete of the bus stop floor, and feeling just like them, trapped… 246, 247,248…. The minutes it took for the bus to arrive seemed like an eternity; 489,490… I was just willing the Time Lord to speed things up, to save me from this horrible situation! 752, 753, 754, 755….

Finally the bus arrived and rescued both of us from the Mother of Awkwardness. I managed to move and board the bus. I sat down and finally started to breathe again. Then I realized what had just happened, and my heart sank. I could have said hello, or look at him, or smile, or do something! Anything! Why did he follow me? Did he want to talk to me? Was he trying to break the wall that grew between us? Possibly, or maybe not.

After a few minutes, as I partially recovered from the shock, I decided to let him know, that I wanted to talk to him. So I turned around, scanning the sparsely occupied bus and BAM! He was not there!!!! Oh Lokie, Lokie, Lokie! Why? You are absolutely killing me with this craziness.  Did that actually really happen? Did he even board the bus? I think so. Why did he leave then, before his usual bus stop? Where did he go? I will never know, Lokie, you are so mysterious!

I am such an idiot! Why did I, or rather my body react this way? All I most desire is to talk to him, and every time I could talk to him, I spoil it. What a waste! I am so sorry, Lokie, I wanted, WANTED to talk to you! You have to believe me and forgive me, because I couldn’t do it at first, and when I finally tried to, you weren’t there!

So there you go, I am not that surprised, that you haven’t been to school today after all that! And I am feeling so hopeless, because I know, that I just cannot talk to you, Lokie, even if I want to. My body won’t let me.

19th April 1995

Dear Lokie, I am so incredibly happy, I can’t even describe the feeling, for there is no such words in existence to truly describe it. It’s like the fog has lifted to reveal the most brilliant colors in everything I see all around me. My heart is so light, like a brilliant shining balloon, literally lifting me off the ground as I walk. My mind is sharp, and there is nothing, NOTHING, in the world that is not possible, or that I cannot do. I am so incredibly happy to be alive, and I just want to run with the wind, and touch and hug every living thing, be it a person, animal or a plant.

I feel, see and hear LOVE all around me. I smiled at everyone I saw today on the way home from school. I didn’t have a care in the world, what they thought about me. It is so amazing, that I have to write it down, so I can be reminded, in case I forget, that it is real. How could have I not felt this before? I also have to write something else I must not forget.

Lokie, I felt the LOVE from you today also. Your brow relaxed, I didn’t sense pain or sorrow from our countless connections today. Through our eyes, our souls zapped together in one, and we flew away again, and again, and again, and I really, truly knew that you were telling me, that you loved me, and it made me so incredibly happy and alive. If I ever doubted your feelings before, well now I am convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am not crazy, or making this up, because now I KNOW you love me too!

So that’s why I had to write it down, so I do not forget, and just in case I start doubting myself, or you again, I will just need to read this, and I will remember the Love I felt from you today, and that it is FOREVER.

Photo by Gia.