Part 28 Crazy Poison Ivy
15th January 1995
It’s Sunday evening. I am finally in my room, sitting on a big radiator by the window, thawing my bones, and watching snowflake after snowflake, like tiny feathers floating to the ground. I can’t imagine, that it will ever stop, it just keeps on coming, lighting up the darkness of the night and my soul. There is something eerie about snow covered land. The silence.
Anyway, I am supposed to study for my exams, and I am putting it off again, as usual. Sylvi was helping me to take my paintings to a gallery for our exhibition today, and we met Peter at a bus stop. He just came to us and said hello, and we chatted for a while. Hey, why can’t Lokie just do that?
I wish, I knew what to do! Okay Lokie, here is the deal, I am picking a random date, say May the 8th, and if we do not talk by then, that will be it! I’ll just go jump off a bridge. I am hoping, that it will happen, but deep down I know, that we will not talk by then, so I might as well go now. Lokie, Lokie, Lokie, I am scared, that I will never ever fall out of love with you, and that it will forever be like this. Seemingly never ending like the fury of snowflakes descending to the ground outside right now.
31st January 1995
We received our reports today. I got mostly As and Bs, so not bad at all! The teacher was also giving us a feedback on our studio work. He was praising me, saying how much I improved my painting technique. I felt shy and embarrassed, that he was telling me in front of everyone, Lokie included. He kept going on and on. I was willing him to shut up already! How can he not see, that I am not worth his praise, it’s stupid.
7th February 1995
It’s an opening night to our show today, I feel sleepy, and don’t even feel like going. How are you, Lokie? It’s been a week since I last saw you. I hope you are ok, physically and mentally, and that you will come back to school soon! I miss you.
26th February 1995
We are going on a skiing trip with Anna in two weeks time. I am looking forward to leaving the ordinary gray days, and naive desires behind.
Actually, I am not even looking forward to the spring, because it will tear me up inside again. The beautiful weather. The nature awakening again after a long winter sleep. Everything becoming intensely alive and vibrant including my feelings. Animals having their cute young. Humans coupling up, holding hands, kissing… The intoxicating energy will be in the air, and I just don’t need that right now. I already feel intense enough, and if nobody will satisfy the hunger for love, I’ll drown in the depths of depression again. But it cannot be just anybody! It has to be Lokie. My Lokie. Because everything I do, what I think about, what I like and dislike is about you, Lokie. I do it because of you, and for you.
Lokie, that’s absolutely impossible, that you don’t feel anything for me. You wouldn’t keep piercing me with those intense eyes all the time, and you wouldn’t feel nervous, when I am standing or sitting behind you. I know you your moves, the way you self-consciously touch the hair at the back of your neck. I can sense how uncomfortable and awkward you are. I just know it, that you want to talk to me too, you just don’t know how. You are confused just like me. We just made a right mess of this.
I don’t think that anybody would believe this, if they knew that I love a boy from my class, I see almost every day, and soon it will be a whole year since we last spoke. I keep telling myself every evening, that I have to overcome my inhibitions, and look at you too more openly. I am getting better at it, slowly nudging the mask of indifference off. For example today, I held your gaze, I didn’t look down, as I usually do. But it is very painful for my soul to be sucked out of this world with such power, speeding into euphoria and beyond, only to come down into a cold, hard, dark and painful pit.
I really, really, really wish to finally talk to you. In a normal way. Every time I blow the candles on my birthday cake, throw a coin into the fountain, or see a shooting star, that’s what I wish for. Just to talk to you. A word. Something! But it doesn’t seem to be working.
People would think I am mad, even you Lokie, what I am doing to myself, how I am torturing myself, and how I feel sorry for myself. Why all this? I guess, I just want answers. Even if I could tell you, Lokie, that I love you, and that I have been like this for the past three years. You’d probably say why I ignored you all this time.
Deep down I have hope, that we will talk, but not in Prague. That’s why I always look forward to our school trips, because that’s the only time, you seem free and open to communication. I do not want to believe that Fate is so cruelly toying with us like that. But I am cautious, I try really hard not to daydream about it. Not to idealize anything. It is beyond hard, because the pull of these dreams is so sweetly strong, but I cannot go there again. Because it never happens how I see it, how my heart and head desire it. And I do not want to be disappointed again, or worse act like a lunatic.
Deep down I think I am crazy already, I hope I am not, but there must be something wrong with me, because I know this is not normal. I am glad people do not know this about me, I am ashamed, keeping this stupid secret for so long. But you know Lokie, surely, I can’t be such a good actress, that you wouldn’t recognize, that I love you!
So tell me, what shall I do? Where shall I put all those feelings, that I cannot give you? Like the tentacles of poison ivy they are growing by day, from inside out they are wrapping around my throat, all my limbs, and slowly eroding me. It’s getting to a critical point, it’s suffocating me as well as poisoning me from inside. And it wants all of me. It wants to get out, looking for cracks to escape. Sometimes it creeps out a little, and I try as fast as I can to break it off, cut it or shove it back in. I mostly manage, but sometimes-Boom! At the worst possible moment.
And I think the feelings are for you, or about you, or about the unsaid stuff that is silently hanging between us, but it is inhibiting any interaction with you at the same time. And I am afraid, I cannot ignore them or contain them as easily, as I ignore you. So what shall I do? Can you hear me?
It’s absolutely huge, bigger than mountains, bigger than Earth, and maybe even bigger than the whole Universe. It’s too much, and I am worried, I might not be able to contain it for much longer. I am trying, patching up the cracks, adding more and more locks. Desperately trying to keep it in, deep down, and buried. But everything erodes with time, and the locks are almost corroded. One day, soon, it will crack and burst open again, and I will do something stupid, I will regret forever again.
When I said, that everything erodes with time, that doesn’t apply to my feelings for you, because they are getting stronger, and they are so deep you’d drown in it. I do not know what to do with it. I (hope) I appear normal to others, I try really hard to remain calm and collected. I play the Ice Maiden persona/Punk Princess well. That’s the only way I know how to deal with everything. Keep myself hidden, unemotional, because showing emotion is weak. And there are no answers in the psychology books, so who will give me an advice?
I love you so much, Lokie, please do not look for another K., you have so much love right in front of you, and it would absolutely devastate me if there was another girl. I wish that girl was me.
Photo by Gia.