Confused and distraught Gia returned to the cottage. Lokie’s tapes under her pillow. His tapes. Lokie’s. Something he touched. Something that embodied him.
She touched them tenderly with her fingertips, then held them close to her heart, and bathed them in giant tears. The only thing she had left of him, something she could hold and posses for a few more moments. Something that still connected them somehow. She held it so tightly, as if she could merge with the object, that will be in his possession soon after. He hated her now, all was ruined.
“Why? Why? Why? Why was I so horrible to him? I love him! I love you Lokie, I am crazy about you, or maybe I am just going crazy!”
“I was shocked when you turned up like you did, and I guess I just wanted you to hold me, but you just stood there, staring, unsure what to do.”
Outside. Dark, damp and windy. Gia shivered, and with a heavy heart, walked slowly to his cottage. Stillness and semi darkness. Lokie on his bed. Headphones on. Looking right through her. Standing right beside his bed, she handed him the tapes together with her soul imprinted into them. She couldn’t speak. And neither did he.
Sleepless night. Rain drumming on the rooftop, as if the whole of Nature grieved with Gia. Foggy morning, foggy head. In the usual drawing spot, Gia was waiting. As the day went by, the other side of the road remained abandoned. A constant reminder of how much she messed up.
Long day drew to a close. No sign of Lokie. Torture and turmoil. Party in the girls’ place. Jokes and laughter. Gia’s body joined in like a robot.
The next morning, their bags packed and ready to go home. Still hours to kill till the departure, a group of them went to one of the local town pubs.
The atmosphere was quite lively as the students recounted the events of the past few days. Nobody mentioned Gia’s meltdown, and she was grateful. She felt slightly better.
All of a sudden Lokie walked in, and ordered a pint of lager at the bar. “What? Lokie in a pub? Where is Peter?” He proceeded to sit by himself.
“Hey Luke, you wanna sit with us?” asked Leni.
And he did. He sat at the head of the table, next to Gia. Gia was flabbergasted. That was so unlike him! The conversation picked up again amongst the classmates, and Gia glanced at Lokie from time to time trying to figure him out, but she could not read him.
Suddenly he touched her foot with his under the table. “What? Is it an accident?” Gia froze momentarily. He kept his foot on top of hers. Definitely not an accident. After a while she tried to move her foot out, he pressed harder. When she finally managed to free her foot, she placed it on top of his, and he didn’t move either.
So, they sat there touching their feet without anybody noticing anything. And Gia’s heart grew lighter again. Maybe all is not lost, he definitely doesn’t hate her! Maybe Lokie still cares! Maybe he loves her too.
28th September 1993
Back home, in my room. Music blasting. Unstoppable tears. Doubts again. Sadness.
I didn’t see you yesterday Lokie, nor today, Maybe you still hate me afterall. I am so stupid, when something could have happened, I just totally ruined it! It’s my own fault, I am such an idiot.
3rd October 1993
I just can’t get you out of my head Lokie, it’s starting to really annoy me now. Tomorrow is Monday, and I hope you will come to school again. I am dying to see you.
I feel so stupid and ashamed now. I disappointed you, but please believe me, I don’t usually behave like that at all! That was not me. It must be you, you are causing me to act all crazy.
I’d like to know what you think off me, and I would like to know all kinds of things about you. I just want you, Luke. I love you, I love you, I love you…I just love you so much and I want…Nevermind.
Words can’t express how I feel right now, about you and all of this. Good night Lokie.
5th October 1993
Gia felt ill, she surely must be going crazy. She can’t stop thinking about Lokie at all. She can’t eat or sleep, she daydreams, listens to music, writes and paints. Anything to keep sane.
Everything reminds her of Lokie. Signs everywhere. She finds significant meanings in insignificant things. Like the other day, she was playing a board game with her brother, and when it was time to roll the dice, she held them like a sacred possession, clearly like a crazed person. Why? Lokie seems to have an obsession with dice. He keeps drawing and painting them in every size and colour.
The dice from their board game were especially beautiful. Large in size, one is see through and the other sporting a metallic finish, that sparkles in the sun light. Lokie would love them.
Today she and Leni encountered Lokie sitting on a bench during their lunch break outside the school.
“Hey.” said Gia.
“Um, I have something, you might like, Lokie.”
said Gia and handed him the beautiful dice.
“What is it?” asked Lokie, not amused.
“I found this, and I thought, you might like them!”
“What am I gonna do with it?”
“I don’t know, keep it.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Okay, throw them away then.” said Gia, feeling disappointed.
“Maybe I will.”
“Ah, don’t be so mean! That’s so lovely of Gia. Ah that’s so cute, you guys are so cute.” cooed Leni.
“Oh, shut up, Leni!” said Gia.
“Whatever, do what you like, Lokie, I don’t care.” she added and started to walk away. Gia was crushed, again, and hated herself. Why, why, why is he so mean?
“What was I thinking doing this when Leni was around? Another Gia’s genius idea! Why do I always get it wrong? He definitely hates me after all! But why does he keep staring at me then?”
Gia didn’t expect that reaction from him. Why does it always turn out differently, than what she imagines?
In her head she saw it clearly, how she was going to give him the dice, and he would smile and be happy about it. and maybe they’d start talking. Really talking. And then they’d became real friends and live happily ever after. Yeah, right! As if! Gia knew, she hurt him and this was her lame attempt of saying sorry.
Gia put the journal down for a moment. Disbelief. What the f***k was she thinking? It was so obvious to her now!
All she had to do was to say sorry to him. Such a simple and obvious solution. She could just talk to him the next day after her meltdown and say sorry. But that didn’t occur to the young Gia then.
If she ever met him again, she could say sorry and explain. Yes she had to find him, so she could tell him sorry and how dumb she was. And they would laugh about it.
Oh Lokie! I wish I knew where you are, and whether you are still alive and well! I just need to talk to you about all of this, you know, not only to say sorry, but also to finally make some sort of sense of this craziness.
Photo by Gia. Video Carola M & youtube