I watch the wind weave through the lush long grass. Each stem and its leaf dance in harmony with the others; all of them together are participating in pattern creation of endless possibilities. Suddenly the breeze notices me and ruffles my hair. It tickles my face and sweeps the hair over my eyes, I turn around and it turns with me. I turn again and the wind does the same…I realize, it’s playing with me, making me dance like it does with the grass and the clouds above in the sky, and I smile. The wind confirms my thoughts by gently breathing my hair away from my eyes, so I can see into the distance. I inhale, and take the breeze into my lungs, it spreads through my veins into my heart like liquid gold, and I feel it in my soul. Oh, God, it’s beautiful, thank you. Read More…
Your words came out of the blue
Lightning in my heart
From a different life
I half left behind
My heart revived
I remember how I felt
A radiant glow
Causing my words to melt
I want you to know
There were forces at play
Your eyes reactivated in my brain
Why I was paralyzed in a way
I wanted you shine or rain Read More…
Alone, restless and confused… Gia didn’t know what to do with her body or her soul. She run out of the house, and continued along a quiet village road. She was aware of her physical body moving. Too aware. Like a machine she pushed her rusty limbs into motion. Only her out of synch breath reminded her that she was still alive. As she passed the trees and the fields, her breath settled into a steady rhythm. The motion became easier with every step she took, until she lost awareness of it all together. Everything else, but her, seemed to be in motion now. The next time Gia became aware of herself again, she was a shipwreck holding on to a piece of wooden debris in the middle of an ocean. Read More…
The storm outside, as well as the inner one, subsided providing much needed break from the emotional overload of the past few months. But the perceived stillness was just an illusion because she stood right in the middle of the eye of the cyclone. Gia shunned away the uneasy feelings of the lurking danger, for she was so close to finding out everything…Too close in fact…a false sense of security blinded her as she stumbled about too close to the edge of the vortex. Read More…
15th January 1996
It was well past Christmas again, and Gia was quite successfully avoiding Luke. Something happened to Gia that night after Lokie’s “payback.” She was so furious for feeling so foolish, for being so crazy obsessing about him all these years for nothing. Even though it was obvious, that he returned the insult to her as a payback, because that’s what they did, she was hurt.
And now she knew exactly how hurt he must have felt then. She didn’t realize it before, even thought she saw the pain in his eyes. This is how it felt to be on the receiving end. At least he said sorry to her straight away, which Gia never did. Read More…
21st August 1995
Laughing and crying.
Hot long Days, Short Nights.
Sun and Storms. Visiting and Traveling.
Meeting and Greeting. Smoking and Drinking.
Never much Writing nor Thinking.
Kissing and Heartbreaking.
10th October 1995
The class were on their autumn school trip. The days were short, wet and gray. The ground was damp and rotting leaves scent was mixing with smoke from the town chimneys. They were painting and sketching the foggy landscape, or wet trees. Cold stiff fingers struggling to hold pencils and brushes. Darting eyes from landscape to paper. Concentration, frustration and finally release with the finished work. Read More…
15th October 1993
M. wants to meet me in Prague, as in for a date! I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t ever think about him like I do about Lokie.
The closer it gets to the date, the more I dread it! I am not even sure why.
So here I am, on a train on the way to meet M. in city centre. I am not even late this time, I feel sick. I wish I was late! I am always late, but today of all days, today, I am on time. Damn!
Gia put the journal in her backpack, and with a heavy heart, made her way up the escalators. It was a beautiful autumn day, that had a kind of joyful feel in the air. Not a match for Gia’s inner turmoil. She walked slower and slower, hoping he won’t be there anymore.
Yes! That’s it! I will deliberately make myself late and miss it altogether!
She wandered around, glancing in shop windows and watching life go by. She watched as ordinary people rushed home from work, and tourists walked about slowly, stopping once in a while to take a photograph of an old building or another, or of each other in front of some historical monument.
Gia enjoyed her favourite pastime of imagining what these people’s lives were like. Their age, personalities, kind of job, relationships, pastimes, likes and dislikes…She completely lost herself in this alternative universe, always aware of time, though, because there are big identical clocks on almost every corner or lamppost in Prague.
Funny, she never realised it before. It must be a relic from the past communistic order. By the time she got to the meeting point half an hour late, surely enough M. was gone. Yay!
22nd October 1993
It’s getting worse. Everything gets to me easily, but why? Kai told me what K stands for in Lokie’s signature in his paintings. So it’s true, I was dreading that!
So how is it with you and her, Lokie? Do you also just secretly desire her, or are your feelings mutual? That explains a lot, now I understand…
I finally understand, and I am glad not to drown in uncertainty. Then again, what if it’s better not to know? But there is always someone who is willing to tell.
If only I knew, what he wanted to say,
I’d shut his mouth, or tried to run away.
I wouldn’t be sitting here, just now, like this,
I would be looking for another joy not to miss,
I would think differently,
I wouldn’t mourn secretly,
I would be in a better mood,
This knowledge not pursued.
He was careless with his words,
No idea what he’s caused,
Eager with the truth to fill me,
Why didn’t he rather kill me?
And when I tell you, Sylvi, you will just say:
Forget it, you’ll see,
for now just let it be,
and what shall be,
We’ll think of something,
worry about nothing,
this is not a debacle,
a girl is not an obstacle!
23rd October 1993
I have to think of you all the time, Lokie, why? Why can’t I look at you like you are just a friend? You are not, though, are you? And I really like you, you are more than that. Perhaps it’s my fault, that you think of another.
I know how it is, I also had my first love, we were on and off, and then on again. I’m playing a sad song on a tape, over and over again. I was never looking forward to Sundays.
It’s different now, I am a little older, but again someone is overtaking my brain! And you know it, surely you must know it! So why don’t you do anything about it? Why are you silent?
Only your eyes screaming…
I just wanna kick something, such emptiness inside, I truly don’t know, what to do and how to carry on.
I remember, you were sitting there, and the other flapping in the autumn air.
31st October 1993
We went to a cinema with the class today. I was a little late, and missed the girls at our meeting spot, so I just sat by myself near the isle, and got ready to watch the film.
The lights went out, and the screen flickered into life. All of a sudden a solitary figure slipped into an empty seat right beside me. It was Lokie!
I froze. I was so shocked, I almost forgot to breath. He didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I didn’t even looked at him at all.
I am sure he regretted his move as soon as he sat down, because the atmosphere got so dense, you could probably slice it with a knife!
I don’t even remember what the movie was about, I just could not follow the plot, as if I was in some kind of altered state. My senses were on high alert to any movement next to me.
I however was still paralysed to a point of my limbs getting pins and needles after a while, but I didn’t dare to move, not even a millimeter.
The movie took forever, then there was a funny scene, the only scene of the whole film I do remember. A giant dog, a Great Dane jumped up at somebody, knocked them over, and licked them to death.
Lokie laughed, I laughed a little too, because it was quite funny, and I saw an opportunity to reposition myself in the seat. What a relief!
And then it was over, the lights came on so brutally. Suddenly the cinema was full of movement and noise.
I was finally allowed to move too, I shifted and started to put my coat on. When I turned around, quite determined to say something to Lokie, something stupid anyway, like hey, that was quite a good movie, huh?
I just saw him quickly disappearing into the river of people. My heart sank, he was literally running away! Like he couldn’t get away faster enough. Damn!
At first I thought, that I might still see him outside, perhaps he would wait, but no, when I got out, there was no sign of him anywhere.
Okay, what was all that about? What is wrong with me, with him, with us? I am such an idiot, I am always daydreaming about him coming over to me, and when he does, I completely freak out, and I am unable to respond. He must hate me, it was so awkward. I think, I do not trust myself to speak to him anymore, because every time I do, I say the wrong thing, and I just can’t do it anymore. So I just freeze.
Oh why, Lokie? Maybe he didn’t mean anything by that at all. No, no way! He coud have sat anywhere, there were plenty of empty seats available, He chose to sit next to me. But why didn’t he say anything and then run away?
And what about K?
Oh Lokie, you are killing me!
Photo by Gia.