Archive | March 2014

Part 7 He loves her matches


Lokie was holding out a cigarette. “There you go.” Gia slowly walked up to him, and reached out to take the ciggi, but Lokie quickly moved it away, leaving Gia’s hand in mid air.

“Oh, come on Luke!” said Gia.

“Nah, Gianka, changed my mind, you can’t have it!” laughed Luke.

Did he just call her Gianka? Only her grandma called her “Gianka”, she was the only person in the world, that loved her and showed her affection.

“Lokie, please, I’ll give it back!” smiled Gia. Read More…


Part 6 Laughing matter

“Hey, you got a light?”

Gia, still sitting on the windowsill, almost fell out of the window, startled by the unexpected visitor.

“Catch!” she threw him a box of matches.

“Shall I bring them back, or shall I keep them?” he asked mockingly.

“Huh? What do you think?! Of course I want them back!” Gia said.

“Anyway, how dare you just barge in here like that? she added, half smiling.

“Sorry, Peter wasted all my matches.” he said, then hesitated, just for a moment, before adding “I’ll keep these, thanks!” he gave her the same mischievous look, and left, leaving the door wide open.

“Did he just say he would keep the matches?! Was he teasing her, or what?” Gia wasn’t sure, but she was so happy anyway. She laid down on her bed, breathing deeply, thinking, and feeling with what seemed like a new awareness. She had to process what just happened. Almost transfixed, she played the film of her memories on the inside of her eyelids.

“Thank God, she didn’t trip, fall, blush, freeze, or embarrass herself in anyway!” she thought.

She couldn’t resist watching the fantastic kaleidoscope of Luke in her head. “Luke, Loki, Lokie-her Lokie… Yes, it was true, he must have hypnotised her, just like Loki.”she thought to herself.

A commotion interrupted her daydreaming, and it was Lokie again. This time, he entered without knocking, and threw the matches to her. “Thanks.” he said, and then he was gone again.

“Damn, why does he always leave the door open?” she though, and quickly got up to tell him off, but the hall was empty, echoing with laughter from Luke and Peter’s room.

Gia, still holding the box of matches, realised that it feels a lot lighter, and looked inside. “Whaaat? Five matches left? Just wait, Lokie, I’ll get you back!” she thought.

She decided to visit Anna, she couldn’t wait to tell her about  the latest developments with Lokie.

“Let’s go out.” said Anna.

“Good idea.”

“Are you going with us, Leni?” Gia asked Anna’s room mate.

“Nah, thanks, I am hanging out with Ozz and Co.”

“Ok, does Ozz have any weed?” asked Gia.

“He does, but he is not sharing!”

“That’s cool, see you later then.”

The girls took a stroll, weaving their girly talks, as they walked. The destination was not important. After some time they stumbled upon a cute little pub with a beer garden. The moment they joined the queue, they heard a familiar laughter. It was Leni and the boys.

Most of them ordered a pint of lager and Leni got a shot of peach flavoured vodka. The guy at the bar didn’t even care, that they were under aged, much to the friends’ delight. All the tables were full, but some locals called them over, and invited them to sit at their table.

They accepted, but found it hilarious for some reason, and couldn’t stop lauging. Leni kept trying to neck the shot, but kept blowing in it instead, spraying everyone around. “WTF?”

” You wanna smoke?” Ozz turned to Gia, “Leni told me.” he added.

“Sure, you got something?”

“Yeah, but not here.”

“Duh.” rolled her eyes Gia.

“Hey guys, there is a disco in the town, you should come!” said one of the older guys, who invited them over before.


“Yeah, and girls go free.” he winked at Gia.

The rest of the group just couldn’t stop laughing.

“Yeah, maybe.” said Gia.

After a few more rounds, they decided to check out the infamous small town “disco”.

It was quite fun, they even played couple of songs Gia liked. After a while they all went outside, and walked to a water fountain in the middle of the town square. There was no water in it, so they all hoped in. Ozz lit a joint ceremoniously and passed it around.


Suddenly everything seemed even funnier than before. Especially when  Anna kept complaining, that the weed had no effect on her what so ever.

“It’s not working guys, I am telling you!” complained Anna with a poker face.

“That’s because you are a non smoker, hun.”

“Yeah, you’ve got to take a deep breath straight into your lungs, like this!” demonstrated Ozz.

“Like this?” Anna took a drag and started coughing immediately.

They laugh and then watch her reaction expectantly. “So?”

“Nothing! I am telling you guys, it’s not working and you don’t believe me! I think I am immune to it!”

“Immune!!!” they found it hilarious.

Gia had so much fun, and her thoughts turned to Lokie, she wished, that he was there.

The group made their way back to the house, hoping they wouldn’t get in trouble  for getting back late. It was around 10.30 pm, and it seemed, that they got away with it, with no teacher, or student in sight.

Gia felt an irresistible urge to go see Lokie. She lost her inhibitions after drinking. She felt good and confident, and like she could do anything in the world.

“Hey, Gia, you going, where I am thinking you are going?” asked Anna.

“Yep” said Gia and knocked on the boys’ bedroom door. She didn’t hear anything, but slowly opened the door anyway. It was dark inside, and it took Gia by surprise.

“Oh, you are sleeping, never mind.” said Gia, and started retreating.

“No, we are not sleeping, what do you want?” asked Peter, looking interested.

“Just a cigarette, from Luke, please.”

Suddenly, one of the teachers walked in, “Ok students, everyone go to your rooms, please, it’s past your bedtime!

“No problem.” said Anna and disappeared.

“Sure.” Gia started making her way towards the door.

Lokie sat up on his bed. “So, you want a cigarette, do you, really?”

“Yes please, I run out.”

“Okay, come closer then.” said Lokie.


copyright, image SJU, video-standard youtube licence





Part 5 The trip

Bench grass giasuniverse

Gia slammed  the journal shut almost violently and threw it on the floor. She pulled her knees toward her chest and hugged them tight, her heart beating so hard, it almost jumped out of her chest. Whoah, her body was reacting in the exact same way now as it did years ago. But Luke isn’t even here…

A million thoughts went through her head all at once. No, that was not possible! She was going mad! Why was she still feeling this way? Did she still love him? Was this love anyway?

Gia wished that she was strong enough not to read her old, cursed journal, but she could not help herself. It was too late, she couldn’t stop. Confused, lost and out of control again, she hated herself… Read More…

Part 4 Spring feelings

The last five years were fast paced, adventurous and exciting for Gia. She moved to England, changed jobs frequently and moved often, meeting lots of people of different cultures than  her own.

She welcomed the new experiences, and for the first time in her life she felt carefree and happy, despite some very difficult situations she got herself in, due to naivety and perceived invincibility of youth.

Sometimes she went hungry and sometimes she was without a job, but that didn’t matter, she was free, and everything was her decision, and her decision only.

She picked up English quite quickly, forced by circumstances to communicate, there was no time and place for embarrassment. She also had an  inner urge to learn quickly. Gia didn’t want to feel stupid and inadequate. Plus she was making friends and wanted to share and talk with them.

Gia’s confidence grew in the UK too, English and foreign guys paid her lots of compliments, and she definitely wasn’t used to that! She was cautious though, and only had a few boyfriends. One of which was definitely an accidental boyfriend.

Eduardo was Spanish, he said hello to her on Oxford Street, and immediately started pursuing Gia. Gia didn’t like him that way though. However they became very close friends and he kept on pursuing her until she gave in. It didn’t last though, it was volatile and Gia didn’t need that.

Besides she wasn’t good at reltionships, she didn’t understand how it worked. She found it very difficult to reveal any of her feelings to anyone. She always had to present cool and composed front, to stay in control, especially of her emotions. She didn’t know any better, the only thing she knew was, that she didn’t want to get hurt. As if loving someone openly, and showing loving feelings was a weakness of character.

09th March 1993

“I am very happy with myself today! I didn’t look at Luke at all, I am done playing stupid games. I completely ignored him, even though I felt his eyes seeking mine.

Now I have to work on relaxing a little in the class, I hate myself being so self aware, quiet and shy, controlling my every move, because I know he is watching, and I am so fucking shy. Grrrr I hate it! Just forget about him,ok?

That means: no more thinking about him, where and when I might talk to him, not imagining anything! No searching for his location, in the classroom, at lunch break, at a bus stop, in the hall-no more!I shouldn’t care where he is and what he is doing!

It would help though, if he stopped staring at me constantly, maybe if I stop he will too! Yeah that’s it!”

23rd March 1993

“I am doing really well-not looking at him, I even said something quite loud and funny in the studio today, everybody laughed. But I still felt self conscious. He wasn’t there yesterday and I missed him, but at the same time I relaxed and I was myself again, talking and laughing with everybody. I don’t get it, why can’t I be like that when he is around??

Went to grandma’s last weekend and met a cute guy at a gig on saturday, he seems nice, we talked a lot. I will probably see him again next weekend. I had fun after quite a long time and forgot about L. Anna went with me and we had such a blast! Drank too much though, ended up falling in the bush on the way home, not good!”

03rd April 1993

“It’s spring and the urge of nature is so strong! All these exciting feelings are in the air, one can almost grab them. I saw M. at grandmas again, Anna got together with his friend and we ended up in their place, after the gig. M. was not talking that much this time, all he wanted was sex. Me too, I was so horny, we did it. He is alright, but I don’t feel anything for him, he looks ok, has a big nose though like from Bosh’s painting.”

30th April 1993

“Spending all my weekends at grandmas now, glad to get away from home, they stopped imposing their rules and don’t ask what I do, yay! Went to a pub with bunch of older people and slept in a friends house. A guy nicknamed Ninja with knocked out front teeth took interest in Anna and I. We quickly started calling him dad, so he doesn’t think he has a chance. He is weird, talking about killing himself all the time. When we were walking down the street and he was holding my hand we bumped into M. and his friends, hilarious LOL.

Met with M. later and explained, they had a party in a garden with a bonfire and a lot of booze. It was “Witches night”, an old pagan celebration, saying good bye to winter. M. was all over me, touching me everywhere in front of everyone, so I was quite glad when we wandered down the garden into a dark spot. We had sex in all kinds of positions.”

03rd May 1993

“Nooo, I failed miserably today. I happened to glance up just as Luke was staring and then the most incredible feelings all exploding at once inside me, starting with an electric jolt in my heart and a head rush, I got hot and flustered. Grrr why, why, why????

We are going away with the class at the end of May for five days. Can’t wait!”

Part 3 Drawing Me In


Gia’s holidays were drawing to a close, she would soon have to return back to UK, back to reality… She had been walking around with her head in the clouds after reading her old journal.

There was a sensation in her chest, that can only be described as a mixture of excitement, regret and hope. She also realised, with panic, that she felt a lot like being in love, in love with Luke.

OMG, how is that possible just by reading some old teenage journal? She hasn’t even seen him for five years.!!! No, that’s not possible. It’s probably just nostalgia. Gia was sure, that if they saw each other now, they would just have a normal chat and a laugh about how silly they were. Read More…

Part 2 Musical links

It has been a few days since Gia found her old journal in the attic. She was trying very hard to not go there again. As she was visiting her past she quickly realised, that she made a terrible mistake opening that diary. She has been trying to distract herself from thinking about Luke by going out and visiting friends, but it was not working . She felt the familiar pull into the darkness.

And now the house was quiet, everyone was out and she was alone, only with her thoughts for company. A disastrous combination. She walked slowly up in to her room blatantly lying to herself, that she was just getting a book, but she knew very well that she was not going to read the book.

There she was, sitting on her bed on a sunny afternoon, light breeze making the sheer curtains dance. “Well, I already read some of it and now I can’t stop thinking about it, so I might as well read the rest.” she thought. But of course she was wrong, it was not that bad yet and she still had a chance to forget it.  The pull was stronger though. “Besides she was not a teenager any more and she could deal with it and solve this once and for all, right?!”

9th December 1992

“Peter was not at school today and Dasies were copying some poems that he scribbled on his desk. There was a lot! They asked me to help them and I ended up sitting right next to Luke. Daisies lent me their walkman, but there was some crap music on it, so I asked Luke if he had some “normal” music.”

Gia smiled at that memory. Luke looked up quite surprised that Gia approached him. “I only have Krabathor and King Diamond, you probably won’t like that.”

“Cool, I actually do like Krabathor!” Gia was also surprised, that they have a same taste in music. “Have you seen them live? They played two weeks ago, and they were amazing!!” Luke looked at her in disbelief, Krabathor wasn’t exactly a girly type of music. It was the heaviest type of metal music known to man.

“No I don’t go to gigs that much.” he said.

Gia has grown to love it, because it helped her to deal with her dad. The anger in the music was fitting in how she felt at times and also prevented her from dissolving into an emotional mess. She also liked, that it was different and not mainstream, and after a very long time living as an obedient good girl she was rebelling.

Her looks were quite eccentric too. She sported a dramatic hair style with a side swept fringe covering her eye. “Maybe that’s why Luke kept staring at her, because she looked different.” she thought. “Or maybe he likes my eyes.” In her opinion, it was the only beautiful feature, that she had. Overall she thought herself to have average looks, not very pretty.

After she was finished with the poems she handed Luke the tape back.


“So, what do you think about King Diamond?”

“I don’t really know his music that much.”

“You can borrow the tape if you want.”

“Yeah, ok! Thanks.” she smiled. Luke smiled too.

She listened to the tape on the way back from school, it was an old school metal with King Diamond alternating singing in falsetto and a low growl. She found it quite interesting, very theatrical and dramatic.

Lucky to get a seat on the bus, she was watching people getting on and off the vehicle and thinking about Luke. She was quite intrigued about this guy now. He was quiet, not talking to anybody, just Peter and now Gia. They have the same taste in music…and he keeps looking at her. But not in a normal way.

She always knows when he is looking, she can sense it and when she looks up, they lock eyes for longer than is normal, it is usually Gia who looks away. There are no smiles. Feeling almost exhausted by it afterwards, as if he sucked the soul out of her body and at the same time there is this euphoria. She is confused. “Why am I feeling that way? I don’t even fancy this guy, he is quite tall and has short brown hair and brown eyes, I don’t find him good looking at all. So WTF is this?”

Part 1 Pandora’s Box

Sunset Giasuniverse

Gia couldn’t shake an uneasy feeling of displacement. Everything in her parents’ new house was familiar yet it looked different. There was the same dark heavy furniture and a tree piece suite-the silent witnesses of her childhood. She walked over to the kitchen table where all the dreaded talks took place.
Everything was the same except her old bedroom. Gia left it almost five years ago, packing only one small suitcase, and every subsequent visit she took a little more with her.

Read More…