Archive | July 2014

Part 18 Autumn Anticipation

DSC031122nd September 1993

My heart is wild, and overflowing with loving emotion. My hungry soul is feeding on the positive energy, that is all around me. I feel everything, and I am bursting with inspiration.

Gone is the boredom, gone are the dark thoughts of the summer. I just love my high school, and I look forward to every new day, just to see you, Lokie.

I am so happy I can see you, even if we don’t talk. I am happy to wait for now, because I know we will. For now I have your eyes, they give me the roller coaster rides. I know you feel it too.

It’s not just that, though, there is something else between us, I am not sure what it is. It’s like you are trying to tell me something. Maybe we could help each other, I don’t know, it’s a mystery to me.

I am looking forward to our autumn trip. Only fourteen days away! I was blown away, when the teacher told us, where we are going. What a coincidence, that it happens to be the very same little village in the mountains,that we went to just a few weeks ago with my mate Sylvia to look for her wayward boyfriend.

We haven’t actually met him there, just people who knew him, so maybe we might be able to see him there. That means, that Sylvia is coming too, I am so excited!

3rd September 1993

It’s the hardest thing in the world! To reveal myself or hide myself? I just don’t know what to do. I am petrified….,scared to loose control over myself, and give it to you, so you could do anything you want with me,and then loose interest in me.

I just have to find a way,for you to respect me and love me,so you wont’t hurt me. The other often doesn’t know,the other can’t imagine,what it’s like,whilst the first would freeze the time. That’s why I have to hide some parts of me,so I don’t do anything stupid.I so want this to work out,I just want a little bit of love. Your love, Lokie.

If you ever read this Lokie! No, I would never want you to read this! I felt so awkward today, when I had to walk past you and Peter. You looked straight at me, and when I was around the corner you and Peter said something and laughed. Please don’t do that, I am not that strong, my nerves are getting to me!

12th September 1993

It really gets to me when I can’t write, when I want to, when I need to. There is always someone around.

You are an idiot, Lokie! Why are you torturing me? I LOVE YOU! Do you understand? Or you just don’t get it?

I just want to know, when we are going to talk again, probably not at school. On the school trip? I just don’t know, it’s so hard.

Our spring trip now seems like a dream, and everything that’s happened there. Has it really happened?

I am starting to want more now. Seeing you at school is just not enough any more. I want to talk to you, be with you… Be with you all the time.

The girls in the class are getting on my nerves too. Leni keeps asking why I like you, and what is it, that I like about you? They don’t get it, when I love someone, they are beautiful to me, I don’t care what anyone says!

14th September 1993

I didn’t see you today, Lokie. Where were you? I hope you will be at school tomorrow. Do you think we will talk tomorrow? I don’t know, maybe, or maybe not.

Your amazing dark eyes…Are you looking forward to our school trip? Why is it, that when I see you, everything flips inside me? What goes through your head, when you look at me? Why Lokie? Why do I love you?

There are so many questions, you probably couldn’t even answer, Lokie.

I am going crazy from all of this.

19th September

Freezing, waiting for a tram,

crazy wind flowing all around,

I know what I will do,

an idea just came through!

Next to me, there is a stall,

wind playing with my shawl.

I am getting closer, nearer,

now I can see it clearer.

A desire to feel nice and warm,

a long wait to transform.

Mulled wine is the biggest sign,

so enticing like a cloud nine.

I gladly join the line,

the wine will soon be mine.

Others disposing of empty cups,

a few sips and their mood ups.

It is finally my turn,

and I look around,

I see people at the end of the line,

that envy me my mulled wine.

The wine seller then smiles,

gives me my cup and my heart dies.

A warm liquid spreading through my limbs,

its cold, a Christmas bell not quite rings.

20th September 1993

It’s the 20th of September already, and I still don’t know where I stand, and it’s really getting me down.

What are you doing now, Lokie? Two more days and we are going on our trip. Who knows what will happen there? Sylvia is definitely going to join us there. I feel better knowing, that a good friend will be with me. Hopefully we will meet her boyfriend there too! How exciting!

But it will be over so fast, I can already see myself writing: ” We just got back from our trip and…”

At least one wish will come true for me though. I will be with you all the time again, Lokie! What do you think? Are we going to be there together? I just want to know so badly!

I just remembered, that Sylvia didn’t finish the story. “A great love story of Gia and Lokie.” She feeds my imagination, and I love it, but she doesn’t give me everything, she always finishes with a cliffhanger, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.

What are you doing Sylvi? Hope you are having a good time! I am sitting here without you tonight, I hope you remember me too. I will see you there on wednesday, okay? I know you will, I can easily answer for you, but not for Lokie. I don’t know him, and it’s killing me! I can’t wait to be there already!

Photo by Gia.

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Part 17 Dark Reflections

Dark Reflections

8th August 1993

Lucky escape

Sounds of nature,

strange thoughts invading my mind,

wind squealing, trees crying,

emanating strange sounds.

A beautiful boring summer day drawing to an end.

Thunderbolts and lightening?

Thoughts on the loop,

your radiance,

pain, trees crying again,

soon the rein of ordinary days,

relief and happiness,

questions and answers,

connection and disconnect,

no common language,

faces melting and freezing,

lies and cowardliness,

no happy ending,

lucky escape,

no substitute,

solution out of necessity,

distraction,

true colours,

hate and loathing,

brilliant shine turning dull,

dark and indifferent,

time to look away.

12th August 1993

My “Daddy”

Blood red dusk,

music blasting,

his head screaming,

angry and confusing,

stolen thoughts,

oppression,

I am mute,

deal with it,

stick with it,

and endure it,

till one day,

I will be gone.

27th August 1993

I am definitely cured from Rocky now! What was I thinking? I am thanking my lucky stars for this outcome, and I can’t wait to see you, Lokie!

28th August 1993

I have been feeling quite down lately. I seek solitude, so I can think and contemplate without intrusion. I am at a strange point in my life, in between of sorts. Every new morning seems beautiful, exciting, full of opportunities and promises, but as the day goes on, it starts to drag, and dims my energy.

Every morning I am so sure of my purpose in life, come evening, I do not feel so sure, I get disappointed, that those exciting feelings and thirst for life turn into nothing.

The first time I felt truly alive was in seventh and eighth grade. New friendships, discovery of music, alcohol, and troubles at home intensified. Then new school, spending every weekend at Grandma’s house. New friends, village gigs, boys, falling in love…

And then last summer, falling and almost reaching rock bottom, suddenly homeless, forming group with similar afflicted teenagers. I met all kinds of people at that time, and learned that everyone cared the most about themselves. I learned how to get food, money, clothes, cigarettes and alcohol. When our little “family” had all of that, we were happy, but even then, everyone always tried to get the best piece for themselves. And when we didn’t have those things, it wasn’t that much fun anymore. I didn’t think ahead, only lived one day at a time.

I learned that the strongest survive, those who know how to fight. Life also gave me a lesson not to trust anyone, and that running away doesn’t solve anything. Then back to a different reality, disappointment, misunderstanding, police, psychologists, home, school.

And it was my art school, that helped me to get over most of it in the end. Feeling like an alien, that landed on a different planet. Me – street wise amongst kids so innocent, whose hobbies included collecting stickers, and looking after pets. Kids, that had no idea, what is happening in the real world.

But they helped me, I fed on their happy go lucky, carefree energy. The storm is over, the arguments at home rare their ugly heads every now and again. It gets really ugly, and those are the times, when I know I am not loved or wanted.

They criticise, threaten and put me down constantly. They break my spirit. They want me to give up and fail, so they can say: “Look, we loved her so much, we gave her everything, we paid for her education, and she didn’t appreciate it. She threw away the chance to became a decent citizen with a good job!”

And people will believe them. I will crash down to the rock bottom, and stay in the darkest place, I have only glimpsed before. I know it could get worse, much worse then what I have experienced so far.

I remember this time last year, they totally destroyed me the night before the first day in the new school, and I am worried, it might happen again. Life is not easy, it can be beautiful sometimes, but there is more sadness.

30th August 1993

I am excited and scared at the same time, I just want to get rid off this darkness, that’s following me. Two more days and I will finally see you again, Lokie! Two months passed quicker, than I thought. Maybe it’s better, that we didn’t see each other so long. At least I know to whom I can write all this, all my thoughts and emotions. Actually no, I would never want anyone to read this. One day I will burn this journal, it’s very dangerous to write everything down.

1st September 1993

I feel like you would laugh at me, Lokie. What I am thinking and writing, all this nonsense spilled on these pages. It’s a horrible feeling, when you don’t know where you stand.

I didn’t even dare to look at you today, because if I did, I would blush for sure, and I would not survive that! It was more than enough to be in your presence, and feel your stares.  Am I stupid?

I know we are not going to talk for a while yet, it depends who will break that wall, that grew between us, first. I know it is my turn, but I am unable to do that, I’d rather wait.

I think, that you are not that interested in me, I am so unsure of myself, and so naive in matters of love. I dream and idealize, I know, I am to blame, blame my own stupidity.

But there is still hope, we will see how it will all pan out, today was just a first day back!

Photo by Gia.

Part 16 Horribly Beautiful Summer

SKY28th June 1993

Summer holidays begin in two days. How terrible! It is a fact, that I am a little scared, after what happened last year, but what can I do?

I just have to be strong, and deal with it, and look forward to the 1st of September, when I will see everybody from the class again, especially you, Lokie. I am not sure how I can cope with not seeing you for two long months. It’s just gonna be the worst time ever, so boring, BORING, CRISIS, CRISIS…

And you Lokie, still don’t get it! But I am not one of those girls, that will keep going up to a guy, and grovel…Especially after the last, and only time I tried, it’s up to you now, because I am not doing it.

I know you tried, and I shot you down for a change, girl’s got her pride, you know. Maybe I should have gone with you, but we had such a nice time, and my brain and heart needed to process it. It was the first time we actually really talked! What if I ruined it?

Everything went back to normal the following day, no talking, just looks, your eyes burning holes into mine. It’s killing me, Lokie.

29th June 1993

It is the last day of school tomorrow, the last day I will have your eyes, and then nothing for two months. It is the last day and I know, we will do nothing, anyway I hope you will enjoy your holidays, Lokie!

16th July 1993

I am visiting Grandma in the summer house, and I will not see you for another forty six days, Lokie. I am going to a rock festival tomorrow, and you are going with me, well in my head, as usual. I hope you are faithful to me, like I am to you. Well at least my heart is, and always will be yours.

I so want to see you, Lokie. Just bump into you somewhere, on the street, that would be amazing! But I have to be strong, and just hang in there, and if I am patient, it will be even more beautiful later. We will have a whole school year together again. I am a little worried though, that when we get to know each other better, we will get disappointed, and get on each other’s nerves. But for now, I still love you, Lokie!

5th August 1993

Oh no, I am so confused! Rocky is back, and he claims, he loves me again, and wants us to be together. I don’t know if I trust him, my heart is remembering the beautiful feelings from last year, but also not so beautiful feelings, the pain, so maybe…

Again

Hills on the horizon, brushes and paints,

memories of you are flooding my brains,

seeing your eyes, hearing your voice,

lurking black pain,

there is no choice,

I love you again!

Can’t wait till the day,

I will see you, again.

afraid a little,

hope a little,

that you meant, what you wrote,

that your view hasn’t changed,

like mine stayed the same.

Just one look, I submit to you,

again and again…

We will be together once more,

again, at least for a while,

is that what you meant?

 

7th August 1993

Twenty four

Once more, trees and hills on the horizon,

landscape beautifully engaging,

Dew on the trees like orion.

Again my feelings are changing.

It’s not jealousy bringing me down,

only sadness is following me.

I finally see clearly around,

the reason for this rhyming spree!

I just have to write what’s going through my head,

everyone just wants to be a winner in their own stead.

The days are dragging,

slowly but surely.

The pain will stop bragging,

I see that clearly,

my heart will heal, and open once more,

when I’ll get back home,

I will see you gloriously soar,

I will go crazy, you know.

But only if I won’t forget though,

’cause time is a terrible liar,

and I am still waiting for,

what you are gonna do with my desire.

Maybe I am waiting in vain,

maybe even you don’t care,

about my pain,

all I got is your stare.

L. O. K. I. E.  I want you to help me,

help me to forget.

It would be easy, you got the key,

you are like a magnet,

pulling me in,

perhaps it’s you,

causing the spin,

you know it’s true,

my beautiful craze,

I’ll see you in twenty four days.

Photo by Gia.

 

Part 15 Insult or Compliment?

DSC03121

6th June 1993

I spent the weekend at Grandma’s. It was good to change the scenery, but I still couldn’t get you out of my head, Lokie. M. was there, he was all over me, but this time, I wanted no part of it. He was confused, and didn’t understand the change in me. In the end, he told me, he loved me. WHAT?! I didn’t think, it was THAT kind of relationship.

Anyway, all I was thinking about, was you, Lokie, and how I wished, you were there. I can truly see us talking and having a good time. When I am there, everything seems so simple. I guess, I feel so comfortable in my own environment, where I can be myself.

I wish, you could see that, Lokie, because in the class it’s different, I am definitely not myself. I am all shy, and restrained, when I am around you. Hey! Maybe I can ask you to come with me! Yes, great idea!

The next day right after school, Gia asked one of Ozz’s friend to call Lokie out of the classroom. “Maybe he won’t come.” thought Gia, heart pounding. She walked back and forth, then sat down and fiddled with her neckless. Luckily that part of the building was deserted, that is why she chose to call Lokie there, away from everyone. It didn’t take long however for Gia to hear footsteps coming closer. More than one person.

Gia quickly took a book out of her bag, and pretended to read it, just as Lokie walked from around the corner.

“What’s up?” he asked reluctantly.

She looked up slowly. “Hey, Lokie.”

She hesitated, Kai was now leaning against the wall looking at Gia and Luke. She gave him a look, to make him disappear, but he just turned around, and pretended to look for something in his bag. “Damn!” she thought.

“How is it going?” she asked.

“Alright, is there anything you wanted?”

“Um, yeah, I was wondering, if you maybe, wanted to go to a gig at my Grandma’s town?”

“What for?” he asked, his tone of voice didn’t sound friendly at all.

“I don’t know, we could-”

“Get drunk? What would I do there?!”

Gia was totally surprised by his reaction. “Um, no I thought…, never mind, just forget it, okay?”

Well that was a disaster! Gia felt so humiliated, and embarrassed. What was she thinking?! She will never, EVER, come to him again!

7th June 1993

Why Lokie? I feel like such an idiot! You don’t want to hang out I get it, but why do you keep staring at me? Maybe you didn’t feel comfortable in front of Kai, or maybe your parents wouldn’t even let you go. Yeah, probably, I haven’t thought of that! What a damn idea that was! That’s it, I forbid myself to think about you, at least for now, because I have to revise for my exams. Revise, revise, revise…

You are probably revising too, so we are doing the same thing at the moment. I hope we both pass! Okay now, that’s it! No more thinking of you until I learn all my exam questions!

8th June 1993

It was a beautiful sunny day, and Gia just passed her philosophy exam. She felt relieved, and happy it was over. Anna and the others had different time slots, and there was nobody around that she knew, so she set off for home. She walked slowly to the bus stop, put the music on, sun and light breeze on her face. She felt good and smiled to herself, even though she missed her bus. Nothing could spoil her mood today. She passed an empty bench at the bus stop, and climbed on the railing, her favourite place to sit.

She was relaxed, and in a happy carefree mood, when something made her turn around. “Oh, great!” Lokie was just walking towards her. “What is he doing here?” Gia had no idea, that he was doing his exams today. All she wished now, was to disappear, she didn’t want to talk to him after yesterday’s fiasco! But there was nowhere to hide, leaving now would be too obvious, so she just sat there. He walked right up to her.

“Hey Gianka, you finished your exams?”

“Yep.”

“How did it go?”

“Distinction, of course! And you?”

“Same.” he smiled.

Gia noticed he was checking her out. “What?” she gave him a look.

“You look alright today, um, apart from the head.”

“You cheeky, sod!” Gia couldn’t believe it! Was that meant to be a compliment, or an insult? She honestly didn’t get this guy, he was so confusing.

Gia’s image was not convectional, everywhere she went people stared at her. Her hair was very short on the sides, long jet black and red fringe falling into her face, contrasting with her pale eyes. She usually wore a black T-shirt with a metal band logo, black leggings or worn out jeans, tie dye jumper, and heavy boots. She felt like a change today, and put on a light green top, that mom bought her and a nice pair of shorts.

“Let’s go, the bus is here.” said Lokie, and smiled at exasperated Gia.

They sat together, and talked about the exams and music, and before they knew it, they were at Lokie’s stop.

“Well, bye, Lokie!” said Gia.

“Come with me?” replied Luke.

“Um, okay.” said Gia, a little surprised.

They sat on a bench, and waited for Lokie’s coach. Gia knew, he lived in a small town about twenty minutes away from the city.

Lokie seemed very interested in Gia’s notebook she carried, it was covered in stickers of her favourite bands. She made the stickers herself out of pictures she found in magazines, and she was quite proud of her creation. Lokie studied the stickers, and asked about each of them, questioned Gia, why she liked them, or what album was her favourite.

Then he proceeded to examine her hands.

“Nice rings!”

“Thanks!” she smiled.

He touched the one on her middle finger. A simple gold band shaped in a swirl.

“Who gave you this one?”

“My Grandma.”

He smiled, and continued. “And this one?” he touched the tiger’s eye gemstone ring on her ring finger.

“That one is…” she paused, looked directly into his eyes, and held his gaze. She enjoyed a moment of power. He looked a little unsure now, and seemed desperate to know the answer.

“Come on Gianka, who gave you this ring?”

Gia decided to put him out of his misery. “That one is from my mum.” she smiled, and Lokie gave her a what seemed like a relieved, and super happy smile.

“Your coach is here, Lokie.” Gia broke the spell.

“Um, do you want to come with me Gianka?”

“What? To your town?”

“Yeah.”

“What for? What would I do there, huh?” Gianka used Luke’s words in reply.

All of a sudden he looked serious.

“Bye Lokie.” Gia got up quickly, and hurried away. She knew Lokie was staring, she could feel it, but she didn’t turn around.

 

Photo by Gia.

 

 

Part 14 Emotions

cropped-eye.jpg

The journal slipped out of Gia’s hands, big hot tears falling. She spent several hours with the sixteen year old Gia and Lokie, and it felt so real, more real than anything in the world. Emotions so strong, colourful, powerful…

It’s so surprising to her, how obvious it is now, after all these years, that Lokie liked her too. How could she not see it then? Her heart was breaking, because she knew, what was coming next. It was a beautiful beginning, still so innocent, simple and unspoiled, if only she knew then! And if only she knew, how it would all end…

She longed to see him again, to talk to him. She had to laugh through the veil of tears, some things don’t change, no matter how much times passes.

Was it even possible to see him again? The girls from the class stayed in touch, but they didn’t know where any of the boys ended up.

“Where are you Lokie?” she thought. “Is he even still alive?” a thought crossed her mind. He could be anywhere. What if, she will never find him again? No, she has to, she has to talk to him! She so wants to laugh with him, how silly and naive they used to be. She also wants to apologise to him. She knows she hurt him a lot, and she wants to say sorry and explain! “I just hope it’s not too late!”

Gia picked up the journal again.

31st May 1993

Maybe you don’t know or understand Lokie, but I think I love you. I just don’t know, if you feel the same. Probably not. I am not brave enough to come to you, since we got back from the trip. You are the same, no more visits from you. There is no opportunity, a small classroom with all of our classmates around us. All I have now are your eyes. I get it, no privacy, you don’t like an audience, but I miss you, so much…

I hope you didn’t forget me, and that you are drawing something for me! Anything will do, because I love everything, that has something to do with you. I should have said yes, when you offered to draw me a picture.

Every evening, when I go to sleep and close my eyes, I see flashbacks from the trip, our encounters, you coming closer to me, and teasing me with the matches, and me coming to your room every evening for cigarettes, and annoying Peter.

The electric eye locks, accidental touches, almost talks…

All the moments, spent with you, are running through my head on a loop, over and over again. Your expression, and what you said to me at times. I miss everything, even the silliness.

I know, that nothing will probably happen now, and I will have to look forward to the next school trip, and I can’t wait. Just like I couldn’t wait to go to this trip, and hoped we would start talking. But now, I think, talking wouldn’t be enough for me anymore. I wish to be close to you, to hold your hand, talk about life and everything, share our innermost feelings…

Maybe you see it all differently, maybe you already have a girlfriend, that you love and care about. That would be my “luck”, I always fall in love with the wrong person, or at the wrong time, but there is nothing I can do about that.

Even if I tell myself not to think about you, you always invade my thoughts. You are on my mind constantly, I even dream about you at night, and if I don’t see you for a day, it’s like an eternity.

I can’t stand it anymore! I have no idea what to think about all of this, how to explain these feelings to myself. When you lock eyes with me. I just want to say “What? What is it, Lokie?”, but then I realise that we are not alone.

I honestly don’t know what to do, and I don’t think, that anybody could advise me. The only thing I know for certain, is that it is up to me, how I react and what I do, because I know that you will not come to me, Lokie, maybe even if you wanted, and that makes me so incredibly sad.

Photo by Gia