1st November 1993
The best medicine for my inner turmoil is not wallow in it!
I realise now, that if I want someone so intensely, that I think about him constantly and obsess endlessly, everything goes wrong!
Also when I go out with my friends and get bored, it’s my own fault, that I am not enjoying myself! I just can’t just wait for something to happen, and be depressed about it if it doesn’t. I just have to start living in the moment and enjoy life. AND I WILL!
8th November 1993
Wow, it was great again at grandmas! I really had fun after such a long time. And M. was amazing too! Maybe there is a chance for us, maybe I can love him too. I do really.
13th November 1993
How are you M? I miss you! Okay, it can look a bit confusing, as if I don’t even know what I want. Actually, no, I do. I am just lying to myself, that I am not interested in you anymore, Lokie, but nothing has changed. At all. I LOVE YOU AND ONLY YOU!
But you don’t seem to care about me any more, Lokie. A few months ago maybe…
I hate myself for how I behaved, I am so ashamed and full of regret. It will never be like before, even you were different then. Your eye locks were full of curiosity, admiration and maybe even love, but now they are just as intense, but kind of pained, or angry and full of disdain with the occasional love look.
And it hurts, Lokie. I get confused, because I don’t know why you look at me like that now. Is it because of what I did? Because I hurt you too? Or you just never felt anything towards me, and you are just playing with me? Why can’t you just be normal? Why can’t I just talk to you like to any other person?
You haven’t been to classes or studio much lately, what’s going on? What about our exams? You come to the studio a few times a week, at odd times, you sit there, fiddle with pens and paper, stare, then you leave soon after. You seem sad and restless.
I can’t wait to go to our spring trip again, but this time, I will not come to you Lokie, because I exhausted all possible avenues of connecting with you, and I don’t want to make it worse. To be fair I am even a little scared of you now, after all those dagger looks you’ve been shooting me. There is nothing else I can do. I give up, It’s up to you.
Why are you so horrible to me, Lokie?
I am completely ruled by you. You either make my day, or ruin my day depending what kind of eye lock you give me. I hate it, but I can stop looking.
1st December 1993
What are you doing right now, Lokie? I was just reading through my journal, and I feel exactly the same way I did in July. Nothing significant is happening, except for couple of flings, but they are not serious. So why do I live? Not that I want to die, but what’s the point of it all? Days flow one into another, school, home, grandmas, school, home…
Exams are coming up soon, and I haven’t even started revising yet. At least I won’t have that much time to think of you, Lokie. Do you still paint your beloved dice? And what have you done with the ones I gave you? And please don’t tell me, you didn’t like them!
14th December 1993
I am just about to revise for my philosophy exam. I saw a new guy at school today, he looks kinda cute.
15th December 1993
I couldn’t go to grandma’s, so I sent a note to M. to explain why, and I asked him to meet me in Prague, I promised to be there this time. Let’s see how that’s gonna play out, it might be good, who knows?
17th December 1993
I should be revising at the moment, but I am just thinking of boys, especially you, Lokie. I just can’t get you out of my head. It’s your fault I am unable to do anything! I don’t have a life. I live in fantasy, daydreaming of you, replaying our past interactions, and inventing alternative outcomes.
What I should have done and said, and what I shouldn’t have. Then I imagine what could happen in the future, where we will meet, or you might come up and say “What’s up?”
In reality, when these perfect moments and opportunities come up, it shocks me to the core. And I am unable, I mean physicaly unable to react, to do anything. Like today on the underground, on the way home from school, I really didn’t expect to see you there. I turned around, got sucked into your eyes and froze. Why do I always get such a shock?
An electric bolt through my heart, a hammer to my head. I stared. A moment later another opportunity lost. You also looked like deer caught in headlights, and disappeared into the crowd soon after. I don’t know how to use a situation to my advantage like Silvi. She would have done something. But I couldn’t, and you wouldn’t or couldn’t either.
So here I am again, replaying that scenario in my head with my preferred outcome:
I turn around and lock eyes with you,Lokie, and we smile. You come over and say hi.
And I say something like: “Hi Lokie, where are you going?”
“I have to get something from art supplies, you wanna come?”
“Yeah sure!” I smile.
And we go together, and chat about everything and nothing, and then you look at me all serious, we lock eyes again, from up close this time. Electricity crackling. The feeling of euphoria is so overwhelming.
“You feel it too?” you say quietly after a while.
“Yeah.” I nod.
And then you might say something like this: “What are we doing? Let’s just stop this stupid game. I feel really drawn to you for some reason, and I would like to know why.”
“I knew it!”
“What?” you look at me questioningly.
“That you feel exactly the same way as I do.”
We smile again, and get a little shy with all the revelations.
“Lokie, I just want to say, that I am really sorry, you know for saying those words, and for behaving kinda crazy.”
And you put your finger on my lips. “Shh, it’s okay, I get it, Gianka.”
And cut! The daydream stops there, I seem to have a trouble of getting passed the initial breaking the ice scene. I play it in my head a few more times, it’s lovely, I can’t stop.
The worst thing is that it could have easily happened that way. If only…
15th October 1993
M. wants to meet me in Prague, as in for a date! I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t ever think about him like I do about Lokie.
The closer it gets to the date, the more I dread it! I am not even sure why.
So here I am, on a train on the way to meet M. in city centre. I am not even late this time, I feel sick. I wish I was late! I am always late, but today of all days, today, I am on time. Damn!
Gia put the journal in her backpack, and with a heavy heart, made her way up the escalators. It was a beautiful autumn day, that had a kind of joyful feel in the air. Not a match for Gia’s inner turmoil. She walked slower and slower, hoping he won’t be there anymore.
Yes! That’s it! I will deliberately make myself late and miss it altogether!
She wandered around, glancing in shop windows and watching life go by. She watched as ordinary people rushed home from work, and tourists walked about slowly, stopping once in a while to take a photograph of an old building or another, or of each other in front of some historical monument.
Gia enjoyed her favourite pastime of imagining what these people’s lives were like. Their age, personalities, kind of job, relationships, pastimes, likes and dislikes…She completely lost herself in this alternative universe, always aware of time, though, because there are big identical clocks on almost every corner or lamppost in Prague.
Funny, she never realised it before. It must be a relic from the past communistic order. By the time she got to the meeting point half an hour late, surely enough M. was gone. Yay!
22nd October 1993
It’s getting worse. Everything gets to me easily, but why? Kai told me what K stands for in Lokie’s signature in his paintings. So it’s true, I was dreading that!
So how is it with you and her, Lokie? Do you also just secretly desire her, or are your feelings mutual? That explains a lot, now I understand…
I finally understand, and I am glad not to drown in uncertainty. Then again, what if it’s better not to know? But there is always someone who is willing to tell.
If only I knew, what he wanted to say,
I’d shut his mouth, or tried to run away.
I wouldn’t be sitting here, just now, like this,
I would be looking for another joy not to miss,
I would think differently,
I wouldn’t mourn secretly,
I would be in a better mood,
This knowledge not pursued.
He was careless with his words,
No idea what he’s caused,
Eager with the truth to fill me,
Why didn’t he rather kill me?
And when I tell you, Sylvi, you will just say:
Forget it, you’ll see,
for now just let it be,
and what shall be,
We’ll think of something,
worry about nothing,
this is not a debacle,
a girl is not an obstacle!
23rd October 1993
I have to think of you all the time, Lokie, why? Why can’t I look at you like you are just a friend? You are not, though, are you? And I really like you, you are more than that. Perhaps it’s my fault, that you think of another.
I know how it is, I also had my first love, we were on and off, and then on again. I’m playing a sad song on a tape, over and over again. I was never looking forward to Sundays.
It’s different now, I am a little older, but again someone is overtaking my brain! And you know it, surely you must know it! So why don’t you do anything about it? Why are you silent?
Only your eyes screaming…
I just wanna kick something, such emptiness inside, I truly don’t know, what to do and how to carry on.
I remember, you were sitting there, and the other flapping in the autumn air.
31st October 1993
We went to a cinema with the class today. I was a little late, and missed the girls at our meeting spot, so I just sat by myself near the isle, and got ready to watch the film.
The lights went out, and the screen flickered into life. All of a sudden a solitary figure slipped into an empty seat right beside me. It was Lokie!
I froze. I was so shocked, I almost forgot to breath. He didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I didn’t even looked at him at all.
I am sure he regretted his move as soon as he sat down, because the atmosphere got so dense, you could probably slice it with a knife!
I don’t even remember what the movie was about, I just could not follow the plot, as if I was in some kind of altered state. My senses were on high alert to any movement next to me.
I however was still paralysed to a point of my limbs getting pins and needles after a while, but I didn’t dare to move, not even a millimeter.
The movie took forever, then there was a funny scene, the only scene of the whole film I do remember. A giant dog, a Great Dane jumped up at somebody, knocked them over, and licked them to death.
Lokie laughed, I laughed a little too, because it was quite funny, and I saw an opportunity to reposition myself in the seat. What a relief!
And then it was over, the lights came on so brutally. Suddenly the cinema was full of movement and noise.
I was finally allowed to move too, I shifted and started to put my coat on. When I turned around, quite determined to say something to Lokie, something stupid anyway, like hey, that was quite a good movie, huh?
I just saw him quickly disappearing into the river of people. My heart sank, he was literally running away! Like he couldn’t get away faster enough. Damn!
At first I thought, that I might still see him outside, perhaps he would wait, but no, when I got out, there was no sign of him anywhere.
Okay, what was all that about? What is wrong with me, with him, with us? I am such an idiot, I am always daydreaming about him coming over to me, and when he does, I completely freak out, and I am unable to respond. He must hate me, it was so awkward. I think, I do not trust myself to speak to him anymore, because every time I do, I say the wrong thing, and I just can’t do it anymore. So I just freeze.
Oh why, Lokie? Maybe he didn’t mean anything by that at all. No, no way! He coud have sat anywhere, there were plenty of empty seats available, He chose to sit next to me. But why didn’t he say anything and then run away?
And what about K?
Oh Lokie, you are killing me!
Photo by Gia.
Why the storm inside of me?
Came to in murky pond,
sometimes has to go on.
Lost in thinking, visions, feeling…
in all the clocks we may be seeing.
It just can’t go on, this torment,
perhaps it was just a dream dreamt.
A horrible crux,
somewhere in books,
At times my screams,
drowning in extremes.
Why don’t I realise,
what will materialise?
All left is to write,
write and write,
this grotesque thought,
that is solving it NOT!
Photo by Gia.