Part 55 As If By Magic
Alone, restless and confused… Gia didn’t know what to do with her body or her soul. She run out of the house, and continued along a quiet village road. She was aware of her physical body moving. Too aware. Like a machine she pushed her rusty limbs into motion. Only her out of synch breath reminded her that she was still alive. As she passed the trees and the fields, her breath settled into a steady rhythm. The motion became easier with every step she took, until she lost awareness of it all together. Everything else, but her, seemed to be in motion now. The next time Gia became aware of herself again, she was a shipwreck holding on to a piece of wooden debris in the middle of an ocean.
It was dead quiet, as if someone switched the sound off. She turned her head and saw an endless mass of water all around. An ocean of grief. Just that and nothing else, and then she sensed something very strange. A sensation, that she had never experienced before. Something was separating from inside of her. Lokie. Lokie’s physical body was already void of soul, and now the other part of him, the phantom that dwelled inside Gia since her teenage years, was leaving too.
She was astonished how physical and painful it felt. But then again there was nothing surprising about it at all, of course it would hurt! The phantom was fused into her flesh and every nerve cell so tightly, that it was almost impossible to tell where Lokie ended and Gia began. Every tug and pull ripped away piece of Gia too leaving raw pain and terrible emptiness behind. She never realized how big a part of her he had become. The emptiness hurt, and Gia didn’t know, what to do with it at all. When she thought that it couldn’t get any worse, the ocean heaved and started to fill the wounds with its salty waters. She cried out in sheer agony.
“No! Stop! Please!!!!!” she pleaded. “Do you hear me?” Gia lamented, but there were no deals to be made with Death. She had a firm grip on Lokie and kept on pulling and ripping him out of her.
” How could you, Lokie? How could you leave like this, leaving me behind to deal with the broken world on my own? How dare you escape your pain, leave me with mine and adding yours? That’s not fair! And it hurts so bad… it hurts, because you hurt. And I am sorry about that….”
Gia tried to hold on. She squeezed her eyes shut so hard it pained her and tried to will the time into reverse. Reverse, rewind, reverse!!!!! But it was impossible, and EVERYTHING hurt. Even the numbers hurt. The numbers she saw in the date of last weeks newspaper, she found on a kitchen table ready for recycling. That day Lokie was still breathing, and now he was not. How is that even possible? Gia couldn’t comprehend it. How can a person be here one minute and not the next? How can somebody just disappear, as if they were never here? Just like that…, it only took a few seconds, and he was gone.
An irreversible action
out of desperation.
A moment of self destruction
with no other distraction.
Escaping the pain
was the main aim.
The path you crossed
made us all lost.
Life without flame
won’t be the same.
The thoughts in her brain
like a never-ending train.
If at one time or another Gia did this or that…., if she said this or that…, if she reacted in a different way….. If she knew. If, if, if….But she didn’t know.
“I am sorry, Lokie. I am sorry, I didn’t know. I am sorry that I was mean and immature. I am sorry that I didn’t know how to talk to you…I am sorry that I didn’t listen, when I should have, and when I didn’t say anything when I should have. I am sorry I turned around and froze, I am sorry…I am sorry that I didn’t write you the truth just a few days earlier….I am sorry, that you suffered. I am sorry you felt so bad, you felt like there was no other way, I am sorry……”
But wait a minute! What if it is not true? What if it didn’t happen? What if Lokie and his wife were playing some sort of twisted game after reading her email? Gia switched the computer on and googled the accident again, but it didn’t identify the person on the rail tracks. Maybe it was not him after all. Gia wiped her tears. She searched more articles and scrolled down to comments. She scanned through quickly. People who knew this person expressed their sadness and disbelief. He was the best teacher…, and I’ll miss his jokes…, I can’t believe this…. And finally-I am his niece, and I just can’t believe he is gone, he was the kindest and fun person ever.
The poster provided a full name, and Gia knew instantly, that it was the same as his widow’s maiden name. So it was true…. Lokie was really dead. And the pain poured in again, and kept on pouring, as if he died all over again. And there was the ocean again, and Gia didn’t even care, whether she would be able to hold on to the debris or not. She didn’t care, she just wanted the pain to stop. That’s how Lokie felt just before…
It was night time, the first night after Gia found out about Lokie… The endless what ifs were torturing her brain, it seemed like it would never stop, but eventually she drifted off to sleep. And then she saw him. Only a silhouette at first, but Gia knew it was Lokie. When he came closer to her, she could see his face clearly. She saw his sorry expression. “Yes, I am sorry.” Gia was surprised to hear Lokie’s reply to her unspoken observation in her head.
“Me too.” she thought, and he heard it too.
As if by magic, they now both seemed to know everything about one another. He knew everything what Gia went through, about the letter, how sorry she was about everything, and how much she loved him. And she knew how sorry he was about all the misunderstandings, how he was unable to tell her about his illness and struggles, about his pride, and his love for her. In a split second Gia had all the answers she longed for.
Lokie then moved closer and now stood right in front of her. Gia was not sure how he moved, because she didn’t see his legs moving, but it didn’t alarm her. This time – for the first time – she didn’t panick or freeze in his presence, and she didn’t feel the need to hide anything either.
Lokie looked into her eyes. “I am sorry for bailing out like that, there was no other way at that time, it’s done, and it’s gonna be okay.” His thoughts instantly flashed in Gia’s mind, as he put his arms around her.
“I love you.” Lokie’s message of love poured straight from his heart to hers. The feelings were indescribable. Gia rested her head on his chest and cried the tears of relief. She felt his arms around her, and felt protected and happy. Her whole body was filled with love, and the tears dried up. She noticed a warm gold yellow glow all around her and Lokie, as they stood in tight embrace.
“I love you too, I always did and always will.” she thought.
His gaze told her, “I know, and so do I.” Gia didn’t know how long they stood there in the mutual healing love, it could have been just seconds or centuries, when she felt Lokie’s arms to relax, as he started to pull away. Gia knew instantly. “I am sorry, I have to go now.”
“I know.” she thought back.
“Thank you.” The last mutual thought echoed, as he was floating away into a bright distance. The happiness stayed until Gia opened her eyes, and it only took a split second before she realized, that it was just a dream. A dream that felt so real, as real as life itself. It gave her energy, strength and a will to live.
Gia grabbed the piece of the shipwreck again. The sound came back on, and she could now hear life all around her, and when she turned around a land appeared in the distance. It was still very far away, but somehow she knew she would make it there.
Original writing and photo © Gia Joseph and Giasuniverse, 2015