Part 51 Breaking Free
On Monday morning Gia woke up refreshed after a full night of deep slumber. For a millisecond she was blissfully unaware, but the events of the past few days mercilessly flashed before her inner eye. She was still broken, but feeling much better over all, having a new plan of action.
Gia was now inclined to send the email to Lokie. She had to do something to break free for good, besides she had nothing to lose apart from her dignity, and however painful that was, the pain of uncertainty and the suffering from the limerent hell was far worse than that.
She tried not to think too much about the full implications of sending such letter. There were only a few possible outcomes:
1. He wouldn’t reply-the least desired and the most painful outcome of all, that would serve its purpose none the less.
2. His reply would be a clear rejection on all points-a result that her rational mind wanted-a painful, but fast slaying of the Limerbeast.
3. He would confirm all her suspicions, and admit his feelings past and present, he would explain why all of that happened-a result that her heart desired the most.
And then what?!? Her brain screamed in alarm. She couldn’t think about that right now. First things first, she had to complete the letter and email it to him.
30th of May
…The following lines and a request will probably seem shocking and unconventional to you, believe me, I thought long and hard about this, but in a view of the fact, that you didn’t make it to the reunion in the end, I do not have any other possibility than to write this to you, so I can get rid of a big problem in my life.
You probably had very serious reason why you didn’t make it on Saturday, but my paranoid mind is telling me that either something terrible has happened to you, or it was because of me. If you felt anything like I did, just before the meeting, then I get it. However, I do not want you to think that my aim is to win you over, or to be with you, it is something else.
I just wanted to see you and finally talk to you, and I also wanted to apologize, if I ever hurt you. I know, I did on that trip long ago, and I am so sorry!
Basically, years ago I was in love with you, (if you can even call it that), and I couldn’t do anything about it, and then it turned into something else, even then I knew, it was not normal, that it was a psychological problem. I always wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know how, and when I tried, it usually didn’t end well…, and then I physically couldn’t, even if I wanted to! There was something really strange, and I didn’t understand it at all.
Recently, I found out what it was for me, there is no word for it in our language, in English it’s Limerence. It is an involuntary state of mind, a little bit like a romantic love or a first stage of falling in love, but it is neither love nor sexual attraction, although the LO (limerent object=the object of desire) always has to be a potential sexual partner.
The one suffering desires a positive response or a sign from LO, as a proof of reciprocation of feelings. The perceived positive proof induces an euphoria in the limerent. If there is no sign of reciprocation, or even a perceived rejection-an unimaginable despair is the result. The proof could be something completely innocent and meaningless to LO-such as a glance, a smile, a word…anything however innocent could be interpreted as a proof. On the other hand indifference, or a glance that is not returned could mean a rejection, which causes a terrible suffering.
It is like an obsession or a drug addiction, and any hope or uncertainty further increases this state. The limerent in fact lives in a fantasy world, where LO is the ideal person for them, and they cannot get rid of thoughts and daydreaming about him/her. A mortal fear of rejection is omnipresent, that is why the limerent keeps their feelings a secret from LO, they experience an extreme shyness in their presence, there are also physical symptoms. It can last months or even decades and finishes either when the feelings are fully reciprocated, or the limerent is rejected. The rejection must be very clear and specific, so the limerent can not dream up the opposite.
I suffer from it. The main reason is that when everything crumbles in my real life, I have a tendency to escape into my perfect but unreal world. Unfortunately there was a glitch during my teenage years, and you unwittingly became part of that illusion, a perfect and ideal phantom, that is haunting me at my most difficult times. Which I am experiencing right now, because I am having quite serious personal and family problems, that I am prepared to deal with – that I want to deal with – and the first step is to get rid of the phantasm, and to stop deceiving myself, in order to start concentrating on what is right in front of me-my family.
Combined with the reunion and the rediscovery of my old journal, where I used to write everything I wanted to tell you, restarted this madness. I am so stupid for opening the Pandora’s Box, because reading all that sent me right back to what I so painfully left behind all those years ago.
I have no idea- why I am the way I am-, or why I still feel something toward you platonically. It’s my addiction to an ideal but unreal illusion, a total fiction-a creation of my brain or heart, I know it’s not real, because I never even really got to know you, but feelings and emotions have their own logic. I suspect, that one of the main factors, that contributed to this, is a very difficult relationship with my father, with whom I do not get on at all to this day. This is at the root of all my problems in relationships. I find expressing my inner emotions outwardly unimaginably difficult because I fear, that the other would hurt me inside.
I tried to forget it, but it’s impossible, and my sick brain convinced me, that there is one more option-you, because you started it with those intense eye locks that used to give me such an euphoria…and confused the hell out of me at the same time. I know, that it was such a long time ago, and it really is not my aim to mess up your life or anything. I just want to solve this once and for all and move on. I hoped, that it would somehow painlessly solve itself at the reunion without having to reveal myself like this, but since you have not turned up, it just got worse. The uncertainty is the worst!
It is costing me a great deal of effort to write to you like this, to open myself like this to you, you probably think that I am a total mental case, but I don’t care anymore, because I couldn’t possibly feel much worse than this…I am also thinking, that you couldn’t be so cruel not to help me.
Somehow, I have a feeling that you have the problem too, or you had. If yes, we can help each other, if not you can show me the error of my thinking, and kill the delusion. Most of all, I really do not mean to bother you in any way, and if you do not wish it, just tell me, and that would end it too, I would never contact you again.
But if are willing, you can truly help me out of my misery by answering the following questions. I need to know the truth, and the answers must be straightforward, so I couldn’t dream up otherwise. Please answer all the questions, if you leave some out, that could be open to interpretation. If you cannot answer something, please say why.
1. Did you have feelings for me then? (Was there ever anything there?)
2. What did the eye locks mean??
3. Why didn’t we know how to talk to each other?
4. Was it mutual limerence?
5. Do/Did you ever remember/think of me?
6. What do you feel towards me now?
7. Would you like to meet in person? ( To see you in real life could help me to separate the illusion from you, even though I am not sure, if I would be able to do it to be honest.)
I realize, these questions are shocking, but I so need to know- how it was, and how it is now-, it is extremely important to me, so I can go back to reality. I know, I must appear like a total lunatic, and I fully realize the eccentricity of this email, that’s why it was so extremely difficult for me to write it so openly and to send it to you.
I do not want or expect anything else from you, only to be true in your answers, and that you keep all this to yourself. I promise, that if you answer, that should solve everything, and I will not contact you any further. Only if you have any questions, I will reply, but like I said before my goal is not to be with you, because I realize that it would be impossible, on the contrary I want to get rid of you forever, sorry I mean get rid of the phantom.
Thanks, and sorry, I know that this is crazy, but please do not leave me in limbo forever…
Original writing and photo © Gia Joseph and Giasuniverse, 2015