Part 50 You Are Not Alone
At last, the emotional maelstrom eased a little in the hour of deepening twilight. Gia was eternally grateful to Dana for being her anchor at the time of a complete loss of bearing, purpose and direction. Her plans and hope to finally get a relief in finding out what actually transpired between her Lokie all those years ago just crumbled into nothing. Doesn’t she ever learn? Didn’t this kind of thing always happen with Lokie?
Gia was loosing a grip on reality in this utter mess of a sticky black confusion, and if Dana hadn’t reached out, she would have just laid there without motion until the final breath…
Suddenly Gia was hit by another powerful emotion – love for Dana – touched by her act of kindness caused the streams of tears to flow. How can someone care and love her when she is so unlovable and crazy? Deep down she believed that if people really knew her, they would turn away in disgust, but not Dana. She was the one soul in the world that was there for her no matter what. Dana sent her a clear and loud message – You are not alone! Gia would never forget that. Ever! And so she went back to what she always did at times of strong and confused emotions-writing it down.
29th of May 2001
Subject: A letter to Lokie (How to Kill Lokie)
Hey Luke, what happened to you? …That you never arrived??? My paranoid mind is telling me that it was because of me, or that something terrible has happened. I am so so confused, and I feel so bad, that you couldn’t make it, and you didn’t let us know…You have no idea what it caused..I just wanted to see you and finally talk to you, and I also wanted to apologize if I ever hurt you. I know I did on that trip long ago, and I am so sorry!
I always wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know how, and when I tried, it usually didn’t end well…, and then I physically couldn’t, even if I wanted to! There was something really strange, and I didn’t understand it at all.
Recently I found out what it was for me, there is no word for it in our language. I suffer from it, sometimes its ok, it gets pushed into subconscious, but sometimes when life is not good, like right now when everything goes wrong-it surfaces and it torments me…and it will be like this forever.
The only thing that can help me right now is you, because you started it, I know that it was such a long time ago, and it really is not my aim to mess up your life or anything. I just want to solve this once and for all and move on. So I hoped, that it would somehow painlessly solve itself at the reunion, but since you have not turned up, it just got worse.
It is costing me a great deal of effort to write to you like this, to open myself like this to you, you probably think that I am a total mental case, but I do not care anymore, because I couldn’t possibly feel much worse than this…I am also thinking to myself that you couldn’t be so cruel not to help me.
Somehow I have a feeling that you have the problem too or you had. If yes, we can help each other, if not you can show me the error of my thinking, and kill the delusion. Most of all I really do not mean to bother you in any way, and if you do not wish it, just tell me, and that would end it too, I would never contact you again.
Gia felt instantly better by writing it all down, although she still couldn’t quite imagine sending it to Lokie. Every fiber in her body was against this crazy idea, but it was either this or a fall into misery, the unimaginable depths of despair, she was not sure she’d survive….
Lost in her musings she realized, that her limbs were shaking due to the evening chill creeping in through the open window. She put on a hoodie and ventured downstairs. In a brief moment of clarity and a temporary reprieve, she was able to spend some time with the children, and even managed to swallow two bites of pizza, that her mom made earlier.
The children were such darlings, as if they sensed their mother’s fragile state, they went to sleep without the usual circus – like antics. She listened to their calming rhythmical breathing for a while before going downstairs. Dana already sent Gia a reply, as she promised.
29th May 2011
Re: A letter to Lokie (How to kill Lokie!)
That’s a good start, Gia, but you have to be a lot more specific. I think, that to an unenlightened person it wouldn’t have to be immediately clear what you actually want, and do not forget that he is a guy, and they are especially clueless in things like these.
The letter must contain these points:
1. Tell him that you used to be in love with him/ cared about him, but you couldn’t tell him (I know this is especially cringe inducing, but there is no other way)
2. Ask him directly, if he ever had feelings for you too. Stressing, you know that he has his own life now, and that it was such a long time ago, but you need to know.
3. Tell him, that you do not know why, but you still feel something toward him platonically. That it is not love, but an addiction to an ideal but unreal illusion. You can tell him, that the main reason is that when everything crumbles in you real life, you have a tendency to escape to your perfect but unreal world.
Unfortunately there was a glitch during your teenage years, and he unwittingly became part of that illusion, a perfect and ideal phantom, that is haunting you at your most difficult times. Which you are experiencing right now, because you are having quite serious personal and family problems, that you are prepared to deal with – that you want to deal with – and that the first step is to get rid of the phantasm, and to stop deceiving yourself in order to start concentrating on what is right in front of you-your family.
4. It would be worth explaining what that limerence is.
5. Ask him about now-what he feels towards you now, if he thinks of you at all.
At the end stress that you realize these questions are utterly shocking and unconventional, but you have to hear the truth, so you can return back to reality. That you know how crazy you and this email must appear to him, and that is why it was very difficult to send it, but it is very important to you that he replies with answers. That you do not expect anything else from him, only to be true in his answers, and also ask him to be discreet about the whole situation.
Then promise him, that you will not contact him ever again, only if he had a question you will be happy to answer, but your aim is not to win him or to be with him, because you know that it is impossible, it’s not what you want. What you want is to get rid of him and start a normal life.
Okay Gia, lets work on this, it is important, that he answers all these questions because if he doesn’t, you will convince yourself again that there is something between you. I know how impossible it will be for you to do this, but there is no other way. You have to know all the answers otherwise you will create an illusionary escape route, and it will run on and on…
Stress how nobody cannot imagine how difficult it is to send such a letter, but that you hope he will understand the seriousness of the whole situation. You are at a stage that you must not care anymore what he will think of you! The main thing is to put it all behind you and to start functioning normally again.
Gia, that is impossible, that he would not react to such letter! Ok, back to the drawing board you can do this, and you will get better!!!
Gia finished reading and felt the panic spreading through her veins. Dana was right, her original letter was quite vague, but this was utterly insane! She could not possibly write to him such letter. No way! This was madness! But the pain….the pain was so unbearable…Perhaps she would finally get the answers, she was so desperately seeking for. Maybe this would work….to kill the cursed demon inside her head…
All of a sudden she felt so tired. Her body – weak from the lack of sleep, her head – hurting from trying to outthink itself, her heart – in pain from all the emotion…So, so tired of everything. Just lay, just lay there for a little while…and let it go, let everything go…with this she finally drifted off to a deep dreamless sleep.
Original writing and photo © Gia Joseph and Giasuniverse, 2015