Part 45 A Limerent Heaven of Mutual Gaze
Finally Gia had some answers, but also more questions…Why did she fall in limerence? Why Lokie? Why is it still going on without seeing him for more than fifteen years? For God’s sake she is a grown up now with a husband and a family, she was not supposed to have some crazy teenage feelings like this!
And what about Lokie and his weird behavior? Was he also limerent for Gia all those years ago? And what about now? Had his feelings been reawakened too? Did that scare him, and was he trying to fight it by ignoring Gia’s email?
Why, why, why? Nothing but a million of unanswered questions adding fuel to the fire of her emotions, alternating between the worlds of bliss and despair. This limerence was the worst kind of torture… Mind and heart divided and constantly fighting…The uncertainty like a big black monster fog was filling her ears and nose, flooding her lungs and heart and every fiber of her being suffered. And she hated it so much, she would give anything in the world for it to stop, but no matter how hard she tried to get out of her head and ignore her heart, it persisted. Peck, peck, peck…
The rational voice urged. “Gia he doesn’t care about you, that’s why he doesn’t bother replying to you-”
The pain of this simple possible truth was too much to bear, so she would give in to the other voice within her just to get some relief. “He wrote to you in September, and he so wanted to see you and finally talk to you, Gia! He was so disappointed when his car broke down on the way to the reunion, and so so sad when he saw the photos. And then when Lokie saw your eyes shining like blue green diamonds, he felt the stab in his heart, and all that happened in the past was now flooding his brain. That’s why he was so sad! And just like you, he is trying to fight these irrational feelings, because just like you, he knows that it’s totally and absolutely hopeless and impossible!”
“No! Stop it! That’s what you want to be true! He doesn’t care, if he did he would reply. He knows how you feel, Gia and it repels him, he thinks that you are the same crazy basket case you were all those years ago and he wants nothing to do with you and your stupid reunion!”
“Yeah, that might be true too, but you don’t know that for sure, that’s why the reunion is so important! Don’t you see, just one look at him and we will know, in fact I already know that it will take just one look, just a split second when your eyes meet and you will either get disappointed that he is not the Lokie that’s in your head, you will laugh about it and move on, or what is more likely, you will meet again in that out of this world place when our eyes lock across the table…”
Ah, a limerent heaven of mutual gaze. Gia smiles a little knowing smile this time, because she knows that he knows that she knows, and because now she is a grown up, she knows to smile when a guy looks into your eyes. Lokie smiles back and her heartbeat gets all out of rythm, she feels the heat shooting up into her head and quickly turns around and takes a swig of her beer to steady her nerves.
“So Leni, how have you been?” Gia starts chatting with Leni, all the while willing her body to start working again. But it is impossible and hopeless because she can feel him staring, and after a while almost against her will and pulled by a force she can’t explain, she glances back at him; the room and all the classmates fade into the background, it’s incredible-
“Gia!” Leni’s screeching voice brings her back to the pub.
“Yeah, sorry..what did you say?”
“Tell them who you are married to!” Leni, almost bouncing in her seat, urges Gia. Damn, typical Leni, always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time! All eyes are on Gia. She shifts a little wishing to be anywhere but here!
“You might have heard of him, it’s Drew, the american painter.” she finally manages to say and takes another sip of her beer. The room explodes with excitement. Everybody are talking all at once.
“WHAT THE ARTIST DREW?!” Gia hated this question at the best of times let alone now in front of Lokie! They are all full of curiosity. “How the hell did you meet him? How did you get together?” they want to know.
“I met him in London at one of his shows, we started talking and, you know…” Gia is trying to sound as if its not a big deal.
“Oh, come on Gia, this is absolutely amazing! It’s not like every day you meet a famous artist and marry him!! teases Ozz.
“He is just a normal person like everybody else, guys! And stop talking about me now, what about you Ozz? Tell us about your life!” Gia tries to divert the attention to a different topic.
She finally glances at Lokie, her eyes full of apology, and he is staring at her in utter shock. She was going to tell him, but not until she talked to him first. She feels sick, she has to get away. Luckily everybody is chatting again, and Gia seizes the opportunity to go to the bathroom.
She doesn’t even remember how she got there, but lets a sigh of relief as she closes the cubicle door. At last she is by herself, her feelings all mixed up, the delirious happiness caused by Lokie’s gaze quickly gives way to an utter despair that he will now not want to talk to her. It’s all too much. Just breathe Gia, calm down, pull yourself together, okay?! It’s not all lost, yet. Lokie travelled three hundred miles to be here, and you two connected in a way that surpassed anything that happened before. Your connection is stronger than that, it won’t stop him wanting to talk to you, okay?
Okay, okay! One last look in the mirror, she reapplies her lip gloss and runs fingers through her hair, she is a mess, but a beautiful mess. Okay, here we go. Gia rushes out of the bathroom down a few steps when she almost bumps into Lokie!
She pauses and gives him an awkward smile as she tries to walk past him, but he grabs her arm gently pulling her closer. “Where are YOU going?” he asks softly. The place is very busy, but it’s dark and nobody is paying attention to them in a quiet corner. This feels incredibly nice, she is standing so close to him, he is much taller than Gia, and she slowly raises her head to look at him. Lokie changed, and like her he grew up, he is a man now, not the shy boy of yesterday. It feels so right to feel it for real, after all those years, and it cannot even compare to those imagined feelings, not even close.
“Hello, Lokie.” she smiles, and feels nervous when she registers that Lokie is looking at her, and not just into her eyes, he is taking all of her in.
“Oh, you still call me Lokie, Gianka?”
“Yeah, an old habit you know.” she smirkes.
“What are you doing?” she looks at his hand still holding her arm and back at him.
“What are you doing?” he responds with a question.
She is drowning in his eyes, it’s so surreal to see them from so close. The intensity is overbearing, it is all those distant eye locks feelings put together and multiplied by millions.
“It won’t be a platonic love any more, if you continue, Lokie!” she says quietly but with surprising confidence. Now it’s Lokie’s turn to look a little uneasy, but he quickly regains his composure.
“Oh, you love me then, do you?” he mocks.
They lock eyes again, lost in a moment and then start laughing.
“So – Lokie, is that why you were always hypnotizing me in the class?”
“No! You were hypnotizing me with your crazy eyes, it’s your eyes man!”
“No, it’s yours, well – you started it, Lokie!” Gia says a little more seriously.
“Yeah, okay, I did and – I always wanted to do this.” Lokie embraces Gia into a tight hug, and it’s like she just died and gone to heaven. There is not a word to describe the feelings of utter happiness.
Gia doesn’t know how long they have been standing there like that, but it starts to feel a little strange, so she pulls away. She looks at him seriously now. “I am so glad you made it here tonight, Lokie, I have always wanted to talk to you, I have all these questions, that I think you may know the answers to.” She paused a little checking his expression. “Go on, Gianka.” Lokie definitely knows what she is talking about, and he seems ready to tell her everything.
“So, the main questions is – why?”
“Why, what?” Damn, why does he always reply with an answer!
“Why everything, you know the craziness.” Gia responds, and Lokie gives her a sad knowing smile.
“Yeah, that and why couldn’t we simply talk to each other when we obviously wanted to? I always had a feeling we would get on, or more like we could help each other somehow. But at the same time I knew it wouldn’t work out at all, I sensed darkness, pain and misery. Did you feel it too?”
“Yes, I felt it too Gia, my explanation is that we were very young and didn’t know how to talk to each other. I had a problem talking to people, you know that I didn’t have any friends at school except for Peter. And if I am honest, I didn’t know how to approach a girl, especially a girl I liked.” Gia smiled a smile of happiness, there he said it, he really liked Gia! “Every time I tried, I ended doing something silly, and then the one time at our painting trip, I was in a really bad place, and you were obviously upset about something, remember?”
“Of course, I remember Lokie, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to be so horrible to you!” a wave of emotion sweeps over Gia at the recollection of the fateful night.
“I know that now too, I should have comforted you, but instead I was so hurt, I thought that I imagined it all, and that you didn’t like me at all, and I stopped trying.”
“I knew it! You have no idea how much I hated myself for it! But I was incapable to do anything about it. As an adult I realize that I should have apologized straight away to fix it. But I was so embarrassed, and I didn’t know how to deal with emotional stuff. I think it has something to do with my upbringing, my father and I…” Gia’s eyes started to fill with tears.
“Sh, it’s okay.” Lokie stroked Gia’s hair, his eyes full of concern. “I understand, I guess that’s what we had in common, dysfunctional families. Please do not blame yourself, it’s not your fault. We can’t change the past now, maybe the platonic love is the most real and true of all – for us…”
“Yes, you know Lokie, I will always love you forever, you are a part of me and always will be, and I know that we have our own lives, but just knowing this makes me so happy, because at times I just felt so bad, that I wanted to die…-“
Lokie hugged Gia again, “I love you too”, and everything will be better from now on. Gia’s fears and troubles melted away at hearing Lokie say that, as if the curse has been finally lifted.
“So, Drew the artist, yeah?” he smiles at her.
“Yeah, I know how strange huh, who would have thought?” she smiled back at him and they started to walk back to the table.
“So tell me about your little boy, he looks just like you!”
Gia slowly came to her senses, leaving the bliss of her recurrent daydream behind. She was sure that it would go something like that, if only Lokie and Gia had the opportunity to meet. Only now Gia could not be sure, she would ever see him again. They were so close…Surely he came to her life again for a reason, to resolve this, it’s impossible that this would be it. That would be a terrible, a cruel joke. Maybe they were characters in some sort of twisted virtual reality game and someone was orchestrating all this. At this point that made more sense to Gia than all this crazy synchronicity.
Original writing and photo © Gia Joseph and Giasuniverse, 2015