Part 32 The Enemy Inside

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15th January 1996

It was well past Christmas again, and Gia was quite successfully avoiding Luke. Something happened to Gia that night after Lokie’s “payback.” She was so furious for feeling so foolish, for being so crazy obsessing about him all these years for nothing. Even though it was obvious, that he returned the insult to her as a payback, because that’s what they did, she was hurt.

And now she knew exactly how hurt he must have felt then. She didn’t realize it before, even thought she saw the pain in his eyes. This is how it felt to be on the receiving end. At least he said sorry to her straight away, which Gia never did. So why the hell did she think, that he would still want to talk to her after that? She was a hypocrite in a way, because even knowing this, she just couldn’t get past it. If he cared for her, he would not have said it, period. Not even as a payback.

From then on, she stopped looking for Lokie everywhere. She ignored his eyes looking for hers. She was not even looking at him. She tried with all her will to stop thinking about him, which was easier said than done. But all she had to do, was to think about what he had said to her, and that would do the job killing any beautiful feelings creeping in.

It was done now. She just wanted to get through the rest of her studies, finish her course, never having to see Lokie again. Her biggest wish was, (and she really meant it this time) to be able to behave in a normal way, when she was around him. She avoided being in the same room as him at every opportunity, but to her annoyance, she started randomly bumping into him everywhere. They even merged their two groups together for theory lessons, which meant spending more time with him in the classroom. And now the stupid teacher decided, that everyone has to do a presentation in front of the whole class. But she can’t, she just won’t do it! She’d rather fail! She told her Mum about this, but she didn’t have any advice for Gia.

It was clear to her that this was not love, it was more like an illness, a crush gone wrong, an unhealthy obsession, that had nothing to do with reality. It was bothering her so much, she couldn’t stand it. She just wanted to be normal and forget about it, forget about him. But even though she didn’t want to talk to him any more, she just couldn’t relax and be indifferent towards him.

He used to be a person, that Gia thought would understand her, and she him, but he entangled with her heart and messed with her mind, like a parasite he attached to her soul, eating her from inside. He was the enemy now, the enemy inside of her, that she had to get rid of, and save her soul. She just couldn’t understand how this has happened, how she could get attached to this person, she hardly knew. She hated, that he had such an effect on her, and she hated it even more, because she didn’t know why.

1st March 1996 

She was pleased, that her and Anna got a separate studio to work in peace away form everybody else. Good! No more looking at Lokie! She was relieved, that she didn’t have to deal with him on daily bases.

Gia’s determination to forget Lokie was so strong, that she kept as busy as possible, in order not to think about him, and it seemed to be working. No more listening to sad songs, no more re-reading her diary, and reminiscing about the past. She went out all the time. There were gigs, friends, travels, or exhibitions to keep her busy and keep her mind occupied.

She went wild, she even managed to push the mountain guy away. When he couldn’t decide, if he wanted her or his girlfriend, she just kissed his friend, and that did it. Who cares, even if she got together with him, she would have lost the interest soon enough, like she always does.

But for her mid year exams she painted a huge portrait of the mounting guy. That will show Lokie, that she does not care any more! Mountain guy is so not her type, not dark and broody, although his skin is quite dark, he is blue eyed and has blond kinda shaggy hair.

On top of meeting Lokie everywhere randomly, she also had a dream about him recently, that she met him on the train with a beautiful girl. The girl was so pretty, that Gia woke up from the dream. That very same day, in the afternoon she really did meet him with a girl! At first she was secretly pleased, that she was not pretty at all, she was rather plain with mousy hair, not remarkable. But then it dawned on her, that some completely plain unremarkable girl was able to do what Gia never ever could. Just be with him, and talk to him, and it made her feel like a total looser and failure. Never mind, who cares! Gia pushed the thoughts out of her head, she won’t let him get to her any more.

This is the first time in years, that Gia really means it, totally and without lying to herself, she just wants this to be over, so she never has to see him ever again. So she will never feel this kind of pain again. And it was going to happen soon. In fact very soon, in just a few months it will be their final exams, and that will be the end. Because it is very frustrating, despairing and exhausting to keep trying to be normal in front of him. It is exhausting Gia beyond belief.

Jakoby me zavolala

As if she called me

 

Jakoby me pohltila

As if it swallowed me,

prasklina v my dusi,

a crack in my soul,

jeste vic me zaslepila,

even blinded me,

kricis, volas, busis.

you scream, bang, call.

 

Jakoby me pohltila,

As if she swallowed me,

laska jen,

love only,

ta laska beze jmena,

love with no name,

uz davno chce jen ven.

getting out is her aim.

 

Jakoby me pohltila,

As if she swallowed me,

ta tma,

the darkness,

ktera me obestira,

surrounding me,

ta tma.

the darkness.

 

Jakoby me zavolala,

As if she called me,

k sobe,

to her,

asi se mi jen tak zdala,

perhaps I dreamed it.

i tobe.

and so did you.

 

Photo by Gia.

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About giasuniverse

I am compelled to create, I now realize that this is a gift from God, I want to make him happy by sharing it with others. My aim is to bring enjoyment to people, and help in any way I can. I wish to know and do many things. Some of them I do and others I do in my imaginary life. A life long learner, a truth seeker, a philosopher, a dreamer, an adventurer, an artist, and a writer on this wonderful journey called life.

4 responses to “Part 32 The Enemy Inside”

  1. bdlheart says :

    Reading about you and Lokie reminded me of my first serious college relationship. It was a six month relationship which ended badly. I started writing about it last night. I will share it at some point. I only made my way a paragraph in because I was tired and it is painful to write about. There are specific details I blocked out completely.

    Like

    • giasuniverse says :

      Hey Bdlheart, I would love to read your story! But you have to be in a good/strong place to write about it, and confront some dark places. I thought I was happy and content and ready to share the story, but writing it was like living it again, and I ended up writing a few of the posts through a veil of tears. But overall it is helping me to finally make peace with everything, and perhaps it could help someone else with a similar experience.xx

      Liked by 1 person

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