Part 27 I Want Something I Don’t Want
9th January 1995
Another year has gone. A brand new calendar hanging on the wall. In with the new, out with the old. What a year! A lot has happened. Never mind. I do not want to regret anything, I have done.
I found out today that you don’t have K. in your heart any more, Lokie. You have no idea how good that feels. Anna and I looked at your folder today, and K.’s initials disappeared from everything. Gone. Erased. I am euphoric! I more than love you! I never felt this before. You are the only one that gives me something, the others gave me for a very short time only. I thrive in desire for someone who is not accessible to me. That is my bread, water, my life…
I know, that it is not your fault how I felt before, because how can you really know, that I write like this, what I feel, and what I think? The only one to blame is me, because I pretend like I do not care. I act indifferent. I ignore you. I feel really, really bad about that night on our second school trip. What I said. How I rejected you horribly.
How can I let you know that I didn’t mean it at all? That in fact I really do care about you. I have to do something, or do something, that would make you do something. But we are both like “Come here, go away.” I guess that’s the main problem with us. When one of us attempts a contact, the other immediately pushes back, and not in a nice way.
When that happens, there is a shock, fear, and disinterest. Yep, faked disinterest, especially me, because you do not hide your eye searching. I am faking, that I do not care at all, but if you just spoke one word to me, I’d crumble to million tiny pieces.
I do not want anybody else, only you, being with others does not satisfy or help me at all to get over this, over you. I want everything with you, soul merging into one and all. But perhaps I need my wishes not to come true. But why? Someone might ask. Mostly people want their wishes to come true, but if that happened, would it really feel that amazing, how we imagined? Most probably not. And I do not want that. That is why I need to be full of hope and believe albeit mentally destitute, and in an constant inner emotional turmoil.
I just want to desire someone, constantly…I just want to imagine what it would be like, to be with that person. That’s what feeds and ruins my life at the same time. That is when my creativity is the highest. That’s when my feelings are the strongest. That’s when I feel truly alive, and that’s when I only hurt myself and not others.
I don’t care what anybody thinks, for me the main purpose of life is love. Soul merging of everything into one, that raises above everything that is bad and transient. But does it exist? I am afraid, that it doesn’t.
So I guess, I don’t really want to know you, Lokie, so I can keep the beautiful idea of good, pure, beautiful and intelligent being. I am full of confusion and contradiction. I want something, that I do not want. Sometimes “the want” wins, and another time the “don’t want” is stronger. Either way I can never win, whatever is stronger at the time makes me feel like a looser, like I am weak and stupid.
Lokie, I feel your soul is similar, and I do not want to make an idol of you. I just want to be your friend. I want to be there for you. I need you too. I love you, this is stronger than me. It’s a feeling, it’s my heart, it’s my life. Is it? Yes it is. I want to be with you and get to know you, advice you, suffer with you, be you. You are everything, and everything I do is for you. You are in me, I am full of you….
10th January 1995
Dear Lokie, how are you? I am thinking of you constantly. Replaying past and dreaming up the future. I wish, I knew what will happen. I am looking forward to Spring and Summer, and I hope that we will talk again soon. Maybe I am hoping in vain, but I still believe. I guess, I can admit to myself now, that I am hopelessly lost again. I am not even trying to fight it anymore, I not trying to push you out of my heart anymore. I am full of hope again, and it’s beautiful. I imagine that’s what it feels like to get a fix. The first few moments are absolute bliss.
I wish, I was invisible, so I could be with you, or if I could be your dog. I’d put my head in your lap and enjoy your gentle pats on my head, but I would viciously attack any girls that would come near you. I must be going mad!
I can’t wait to see you again tomorrow, but I will wear my indifferent mask, I do it so well, I don’t know how to take it off. I try, but it merged with me, fused to my skin. And I won’t even look at you. Maybe secretly, so you won’t notice. And then the lessons will be over, and we will go home without anything happening at all. Same as every day, forever, because I will not do anything. I just can’t, and I am really scared. Of everything. You. Me….
And you will never do anything either, ever since that trip. I know, if I don’t show you my true self, I’ll be waiting in a naive desire forever, till the day I die. We only have one year left to do something, before we part, and NEVER see each other again. If that happens, I’d never ever be happy. I must not let that happen!
12th January 1995
Dear Lokie, I am supposed to revise for the philosophy exam, but my head and my heart is full of you. I just re-read this whole diary. The beginning of this. Our first college trip. It felt so real, I swear, like we were there again. I could feel everything so vividly. I felt the sun on my face, as I was trying to capture the landscape on paper. I heard the birds in the background when you came to get the matches from me. I felt your presence, before I heard your footsteps in the gravel behind me. I could feel the jolt every time we touched. And I was transported through the Universe every time we locked eyes.
My heart like million hammers, when you locked me in your room, and didn’t want to let me go. How you stood so close to me. The energy and heartbeats between us. All this with the soundtrack of songs that we played at the time. I am so hopelessly sad and heartbroken, because I know this will never happen again, ever. The positive vibes are gone, instead there is an unbreakable wall between us now. This is an utter hopelessness, as I am frantically searching for the tiniest crack in the wall. I hope with my whole being for a little opening, but deep down I know there is none.
And then when I stumble upon it, I am so shocked, I just can’t believe it IS there. I freeze, and I am unable to do anything about it. I just stare at it, and through it I can see your eyes, so full of emotion. The proverbial window to the soul. And I can see it. I recognize it. It’s my fear, pain and despair reflecting back to me.
Photo by Gia.