Part 26 Irresistibly Dangerous Pull
6th July 1994
I am glad, I don’t have to deal with C. or Lokie. The weather is beautiful. I am at Grandma’s, spending lazy hot days cooling in a lake, or under my tree writing or painting. Absorbing energy from the peaceful air and nature that is surrounding me. At nights we go to a cinema with the village boys, or to a gig. But we especially like to make bonfires under the old bridge behind the village. We sit, chat, play guitar, while gazing into a crackling fire. I love the sounds of forest, the grasshoppers, frogs and other animals making sounds in the darkness. And the smell! It is a smell of a summer night. The heat trapped in stones and concrete mixed with the dampness of evening grass. It is so nice, that I do not want to go back to the city, but I have to start my summer job, oh well, there is nothing I can do about it!
23 July 1994
I started working in a small grocery shop, it is kind of boring, but the money is good, and doing something is stopping me stressing and obsessing about nonsense. Which reminds me of the song I heard on the radio this week. It conveys, that if you are sad, or unhappy about something, then you should just do something, anything, especially physical like build a wall or bake a bread. Do any kind of work, and you will start to feel better. Which is so true! I decided to do just that every time I’ll feel low.
There is another song, which I heard twice today, that is lingering on my mind. It kind of doesn’t make any sense to me. The lyrics say that the one, who loves less wins in love. Okay, I have a problem with the “loves less”, to me “loves less” = don’t care that much, and if you don’t care as much, you won’t get hurt, which is true, but where is the winning in that? Exactly! Nowhere. If you don’t love as much, you don’t get hurt, but you also do not get those amazing euphoric feelings that come with the madness of being in love. In my opinion you either love or you don’t, simple as that. Anyway I guess I am a “winner” at the moment, because I love C. less, well I do not care about him any more really. I worry and stress though, because I will have to see him at school, and he is so embarrassing. I just do not want to see him at all, I do not want him to come to our studio and talk stupid stuff in front of everyone, especially Lokie! That’s what is worrying me.
25th July 1994
Working. Library. Psychology section search, maybe I will find something that will explain what’s wrong with me and my (non) relationships.
13th August 1994
I met someone at a festival yesterday! When I first saw him on the bus I never thought that was possible, he is so not my type, short hair and blue eyes! I always lost myself in brown eyes. Maybe this is a good thing. We just clicked and chatted all night. It was so nice. I also really like, that it is just casual, nothing heavy. In fact I think he might have a girlfriend, or he just broke up with her. I also technically have a C., I hope it fizzles out completely by the time schools starts again. I decided not to stress about it or get upset, that’s it.
I really like this new guy P., and I know I will meet him again soon, maybe at the summer festival we talked about, in a few weeks time. I am so happy and excited, I had to write it down, anyway going to bed now, good night Silvi, P., Lokie and Anna.
1st December 1994
Wow, I haven’t written here for ages! It is because I didn’t have the need I guess, or the time. The thing with P. is over. At first it was quite nice, not knowing where I’d meet him next. And when I did, we had such a great time. It started to go wrong when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said I would think about it at first, and then we started spending lots of time together, hanging out and going to gigs. After some time he started to behave a little strange, like it was too much for him, and it was too much for me too, to be honest.
Then something happened one chilly autumn day, on the way from a night out with Anna, P. and his friend. Anna and I were walking behind them, kicking our way through fallen leaves, we noticed the way they walked, it was kind of funny, and we laughed our heads off. All of a sudden, I had this sinking feeling, and I realized I didn’t like how P. walked. And poof. Just like that, all those loving feelings I had for him were gone. I was horrified, disappointed and angry with myself.
What is wrong with me? Why am I unable to love and only desire what I can’t have?
From then on I started feeling Lokie’s eyes on me again. I knew I shouldn’t go there, I was quite okay about him for a while now, but I can’t help myself. The pull is incredibly irresistible, and dangerous. You are so weird Lokie, why do you keep staring at me? I just want to knock your head off, so you would stop it, it is killing me. I do not want anything to do with you. I am sensing pain and misery. Dangerous and dark pit, where I only had a chance to look before, and I know I do not want to go back there. That’s why I’d rather not see you at all, which is impossible.
I know all this, so why do I still get this feeling, that we have something in common, something that hasn’t been revealed to me yet? All I want, is to find out, what it is! I am just dying to know. Sometimes I think that we could help each other or something….
I am trying to fight this, although I know I have lost this game already. Like you are on top of a roller coaster and you just know, you are going down. When I lay in my bed in the evening, when I close my eyes, I immediately transport myself into a world where we do talk and hang out. I have feelings that could only be described as true and real and incredibly strong. When I daydream, I am there, it must be an alternate reality where all this is really happening. This is just confusing me. And I wonder if he feels it too. He has to. If we had a chance to talk, I would bet everything, that he feels the exact same thing, he would know what I am talking about.
I wonder if K. is still in the picture, but judging by the frequent eye locks between us, I think she is not. I think I will find out very soon…..
Photo by Gia.