Part 25 Mind Drift Tree
29th May 1994
Sitting here on a big stone in my favorite spot in the woods near grandma’s house. River of thoughts floating through my mind like the clouds in summer sky. My life so far, C., Lokie…
C. is weird, he is behaving like a little kid. We only see each other at school during our breaks, or at gigs, and I am kind of over it by now. That’s why I’ve gone to grandma’s, to get away from it all. We went to a gig on Friday with Silvi, and it was quite fun, after such a long time.
The stone I am sitting on is under a giant tree. My tree. Offering me shade, seclusion, privacy, but at the same time I am able to see the beautiful countryside all around me. No people. Warm wind on my cheeks. Birdsong in my ears. This is MY special place, nobody else comes here. Just me. When I want to paint, or when I argue with my folks. This is the place I go to and I write, where I run away from people, when I do not want to talk to anybody, and it is mainly here that I write my crazy poems. I love this place and not just this one spot, the whole area where my grandma lives.
I do not have such place in Prague. There is nowhere to hide, no secluded tranquil spot. That’s why I love it here, where I can be one with nature and away from everybody, if I want to. I’ve been coming here since the fourth grade. We made friends with the few village children, and had great adventures in the woodlands building dens and going swimming in the lake, or visiting a summer cinema and making bonfires in the evenings. And when we got older, we started going to local gigs, and I had the best times ever! I escaped from Prague every chance I got.
All I lived for was coming here every Friday, especially to get away F. and the thick atmosphere he creates at home. At times I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Always tense or lashing out at me, hurting me. I have my grandma here, she loves me and understands me. I love her the most from my whole family, because she’s always been there for me, showed me love…
And now I am not even allowed to see her, so I have to lie to them, and see her in secret. They fell out over the house, and they also blame her that she raised me this way. Whatever that means!
I do not care what they say, I refuse to listen to such orders, every time I have someone I care about they forbid me to even talk to them. Grandma, friends, first boyfriend, my best friend Silvi…
Silvi refused to tell them and the police where I was hiding, when I run away from home that fateful summer, and they tried to stop me talking to her ever since. They know I still do, but she can’t go to my place, and I can’t go to her’s either. Her old man got mad that we drunk some wine in their summer house, and when he was beating Silvi, (I heard her cries outside the flat), I rung the bell, trying to help her. He screamed in my face, but I wouldn’t budge, I just stood there frozen. Her mum was crying and pleading with me to go, I started moving only after I saw the knife blade glisten in his hand.
So we meet on the stairs in our block of flats, where we sit, smoke and talk. They all know it really, but they know they can’t really stop us talking. It’s been two years now. We like Tuesdays, the only day of the week that we can go to Silvi’s, because her dad stays with his mistress. Her mum doesn’t mind, she makes us snacks and we ‘re all glad he is not there.
12th June 1994
Hi C. I am so over you! What on Earth was I thinking starting anything with you? I just want to finish it, but I am worried, that you will get mad and spill our secrets to everyone. Yes you did help me to forget Lokie a bit, but now I wish this never happened!
I have to revise for my English exams now. Can’t wait for this to be over now.
26th June 1994
Warm sun rays are tickling my face, as I am sitting under my tree writing. Summer holidays are just around the corner, and this time I can’t wait! All the exams will be done, and I won’t have to see stupid C. and frustrating Lokie for a while.
There was a gig yesterday in our village, and F. sent me to get him some lager from the pub where the gig was taking place. It took me a while to get back, because there were lots of people I knew, and they were trying to keep me there.
Silvi’s boyfriend (my ex) Rocky was there. He was a little drunk, and he was all over me, telling me how much he loves me, and that we should get back together! Huh?! I was shocked and refused point blank. (Although I have to admit, that it felt good, to hear that from him after all those years) But I am so over him, and told him NO WAY in a million years! He then asked me to be his “sister”, it is kind of an honor in his circles, to which I said okay. He was still trying to steal a kiss from me though, so I told him to think of Silvi, and that he shouldn’t do anything he might regret.
I made my escape soon after. There was a guy I remembered from other gigs, and he started talking to me. I like him, he had the most amazing brown eyes, but he was trying too much with me, so I left. It was getting too late anyway. And as I was leaving I saw really drunk Rocky kissing some girl. Idiot.
28th June 1994
Dear Silvi, how are you? Hope you are having a nice time on your holidays! I miss you, and I can’t wait for you to come home, so we can meet on the stairs again. I will not tell you what happened with Rocky, I do not want you to feel sad and be heartbroken. I am sure someone else will tell you.
I am almost done with my exams. I’ve decided to stick it out with C. till the holidays, and then I won’t have to see him anymore, and by the time the holidays will be over, it will work itself out, I am sure. I hope! I can’t believe, that after the holidays I will be starting third year of my art studies. How time flies!
4th July 1994
The holidays started, finally! I am glad all that stress is over. I was with Anna for the past few days, and only got here today. The big stone I am sitting on is nicely warm from the sun, but the sun is setting, and it will be dark soon, so I don’t think I will able to write for long. I am so happy to be here in nature again! Although there are awful lot of bugs and mosquitoes biting my bare legs, reminding me that I am alive.
Anyway how are you C.? I am so happy that I don’t have to see you anymore! And what about you Lokie? You were so cute in your new haircut. Enjoy your holidays with or without your girl. I can hardly see my journal now.
It is funny how everything got back to usual with us after the spring trip. I thought, that we are past this now, and that we can talk, and behave normally around each other, but no. It’s gone right back into the usual stuff. Stolen glances, awkward silences…. And I felt so sorry for you when that teacher told you to call me over for my philosophy exam. You came over reluctantly and said “Teacher wants you.” You didn’t even look me in the eye, as you said it, but it was obvious that you were so uncomfortable. What the heck? When is this gonna end?
Photo by Gia