Part 24 Puzzled Paradox
Revising, revising, revising. January exams taking my mind off Lokie. Relief at last. Mixed feelings about M. Forcing myself to care. Daydreaming about Lokie. Forbiding myself to daydream about Lokie. Stolen money at home. Automatic blame put on me. Mum upset, F. ballistic. Lokie’s sporadic school attendance. Bro took the money, no apology to me. Short, dark days. Christmas approaching. Snowing. Festive atmosphere everywhere, but it’s happening without me. Making plans for New Years Eve. I don’t really care.
Peter borrowed my notes. Wondering if he showed it to Lokie, had some killer drawings in and M.’s name all over. Perhaps Lokie will DO something!
Exams done! Excellent results. Finally met M. in Prague. Boring. Stopped going to grandmas for a while. Two new love interests, do not care for either of them. I just feel sorry for them. If only Lokie said to me half of what they do, my heart would burst of happiness. As it is, my heart is frozen like the landscape outside. Daydreaming about Lokie.
One day after everybody left the studio, I noticed some writing on one of the desks, and recognized a song title. Lokie’s handwriting. “Puzzled paradox”. I added “Sleepless nights” underneath in my best handwriting. The next day a new line under it read “Why?” I almost had a heart attack, he was obviously talking to me, but in song titles?! Or is this just a coincidence? Does he even know it is me responding? “The Eye” was my response. And I am euphoric. I love you Lokie, and we are finally communicating! Well, sort off…
The next day I woke up super early, feverish despite the freezing chill outside…Watching the snowflakes falling silently. On the tram. Headphones on. It is kind of strange to watch people with the sound off, my own soundtrack in my ears. On the underground. Another forty minutes. I can’t wait to get to school, and see if Lokie wrote something to my response. A terrible blow… the desk, the precious desk, our weird and only communication tool, is gone! Disbelief and despair.
Locking eyes with Lokie. Daydreaming about Lokie. And nothing is happening. Made a decision. I am not looking at you, any more, and no more daydreaming. NO MORE! I have to get on with my life, because nothing is obviously happening. How stupid am I to willingly continue this misery, this self inflicted torture? Enough! I am hurting, my heart and my soul is hurting. My head and my whole being is hurting. I have no break from you Lokie. My love, my curse, my day and night, my kryptonite, my heart parasite…
Thawing. Longer days. Met the cute guy from graphic studio at a gig. We had a laugh, I finally had a break from the non stop thoughts of you, Lokie. Perhaps this is the way, perhaps C. will save me from this non living hell. I wish!
I am seeing C., and Lokie knows. The few times I did look at him, he gave me sort of a hate/contempt/disgust look, and turned away from me. Or I don’t know, how to describe it. It’s a weird vibe I am getting from you, Lokie. But why? Don’t you have your precious K.? And if you wanted me, you would have done something already. So, I don’t get it. But this is helping me, do you understand?
I know that this thing with C. is not serious, but at this point I will do anything that helps me get over this weird thing going on between us.
Catching the sun rays on my face every chance I get. I feel so alive, and excited. This nervous elated energy inside of me. Every spring is the same. Birds are singing, days are warm and longer, sun is shining. Skirts and T-shirts. Parks and Beer gardens. I love it! I am also doing a good job not looking at Lokie, and letting C. take my mind off him.
13th May 1994
We are going on our spring school trip again in two days. This time it will be different though, because I will be there with C. You probably don’t care anyway, Lokie. Peter is not going, and I know it will be hard for you to be there on your own. Not talking to anybody. I tried, and I do not want to care anymore, because it’s so painful.
Either way, I am not sure if I am looking forward to it. Deep down I am not really sure about C., sometimes he acts like an idiot. The truth is, we do not have that much in common, but it is helping, and that’s what I wanted!
22nd May 1994
So, we are back again, and it was very different to the other trips we’ve gone to, that’s for sure. The weather was beautiful, and I really enjoyed it! I feel closer to C. and more normal about Lokie. The days were spent painting outside or sketching. And every night in a local pub down the hill from our hotel, across the rail track. There was a sense of fun and excitement, that the teacher is going to catch us there drinking.
C. and I were spending more time together, and I stopped looking out for Lokie, watching his every move. I felt his presence at times when he joined Ozz and the boys to “tag” lamp posts and signs. Each of them their own signature, or picture, and Lokie wrote K. everywhere. I am surprised he did it, it’s not like him. But perhaps it was a message: “Look, you have C. and I have K., I don’t care.” kind of thing.
On one of the nights he even joined us at the pub, which was another shocker. I do not remember who asked him, but he came. At first he sat in the corner next to C. and me at the end. And we just chatted and laughed like old friends. As if the pressure was off, and we could finally do that. How ironic! We had Silvi’s tape player with us on the table, and played the new Sepultura album constantly. So here I am attempting to turn the tape over, and somehow the little door to the tape player came off in my hand. We looked at each other and laughed. It felt so good, and light hearted, not like the usually disjointed heavy stuff.
Then C. left for a moment, Lokie and I ended up sitting next to each other, and it felt like the world faded away completely. It was just the two of us chatting, and laughing. I never wanted that to end, and when C. came back, I didn’t let him back in his spot on the bench. But of course it had to end, and the three of us left the pub first, and we were waiting for the rest outside. Lokie waited for a minute or two, and it started to feel slightly awkward, so he left.
The next evening we were having a religious debate with Jane, and C. called Lokie to join us. We sat on beds discussed God, religion, society….until the teacher interrupted, and told us off, for being in one room together. As in boys and girls mixed. That was a bit weird, because he turned a blind eye to much worse stuff we did.
So right now I feel better, I am not obsessing that much any more. I am not sure, I am totally happy with C. though. I am looking at the trip group photo. I am sitting down in the grass in the first row, C. is next to me with his head resting on my shoulder. I look good, but I wish C. didn’t do that, I just feel uncomfortable about it, and I am not sure why.
Lokie is standing on the left, hands in pockets. His body is turned sideways, away from everybody, like he doesn’t want to be there. His gaze fixed to the ground. There is a certain sadness about it. A sense of loss, a lingering feeling of what could have been, because I always knew we would get on with Lokie. And we did, we were finally free to talk to each other and have fun. And while both of us being with someone else enables us to communicate, it has also became the very obstacle in anything happening between us, ever. Perhaps you are right, Lokie. I get it now. It definitely is a Puzzled Paradox.
Photo by Gia.