Part 23 If Only

1st November 1993

The best medicine for my inner turmoil is not wallow in it!

I realise now, that if I want someone so intensely, that I think about him constantly and obsess endlessly, everything goes wrong!

Also when I go out with my friends and get bored, it’s my own fault, that I am not enjoying myself! I just can’t just wait for something to happen, and be depressed about it if it doesn’t. I just have to start living in the moment and enjoy life. AND I WILL!

8th November 1993

Wow, it was great again at grandmas! I really had fun after such a long time. And M. was amazing too! Maybe there is a chance for us, maybe I can love him too. I do really.

13th November 1993

How are you M? I miss you! Okay, it can look a bit confusing, as if I don’t even know what I want. Actually, no, I do. I am just lying to myself, that I am not interested in you anymore, Lokie, but nothing has changed. At all. I LOVE YOU AND ONLY YOU!

But you don’t seem to care about me any more, Lokie. A few months ago maybe…

I hate myself for how I behaved, I am so ashamed and full of regret. It will never be like before, even you were different then. Your eye locks were full of curiosity, admiration and maybe even love, but now they are just as intense, but kind of pained, or angry and full of disdain with the occasional love look.

And it hurts, Lokie. I get confused, because I don’t know why you look at me like that now. Is it because of what I did? Because I hurt you too? Or you just never felt anything towards me, and you are just playing with me? Why can’t you just be normal? Why can’t I just talk to you like to any other person?

You haven’t been to classes or studio much lately, what’s going on? What about our exams? You come to the studio a few times a week, at odd times, you sit there, fiddle with pens and paper, stare, then you leave soon after. You seem sad and restless.

I can’t wait to go to our spring trip again, but this time, I will not come to you Lokie, because I exhausted all possible avenues of connecting with you, and I don’t want to make it worse. To be fair I am even a little scared of you now, after all those dagger looks you’ve been shooting me. There is nothing else I can do. I give up, It’s up to you.

Why are you so horrible to me, Lokie?

I am completely ruled by you. You either make my day, or ruin my day depending what kind of eye lock you give me. I hate it, but I can stop looking.

1st December 1993

What are you doing right now, Lokie? I was just reading through my journal, and I feel exactly the same way I did in July. Nothing significant is happening, except for couple of flings, but they are not serious. So why do I live? Not that I want to die, but what’s the point of it all? Days flow one into another, school, home, grandmas, school, home…

Exams are coming up soon, and I haven’t even started revising yet. At least I won’t have that much time to think of you, Lokie. Do you still paint your beloved dice? And what have you done with the ones I gave you? And please don’t tell me, you didn’t like them!

14th December 1993

I am just about to revise for my philosophy exam.  I saw a new guy at school today, he looks kinda cute.

15th December 1993

I couldn’t go to grandma’s, so I sent a note to M. to explain why, and I asked him to meet me in Prague, I promised to be there this time. Let’s see how that’s gonna play out, it might be good, who knows?

17th December 1993

I should be revising at the moment, but I am just thinking of boys, especially you, Lokie. I just can’t get you out of my head. It’s your fault I am unable to do anything! I don’t have a life. I live in fantasy, daydreaming of you, replaying our past interactions, and inventing alternative outcomes.

What I should have done and said, and what I shouldn’t have. Then I imagine what could happen in the future, where we will meet, or you might come up and say “What’s up?”

In reality, when these perfect moments and opportunities come up, it shocks me to the core. And I am unable, I mean physicaly unable to react, to do anything. Like today on the underground, on the way home from school, I really didn’t expect to see you there. I turned around, got sucked into your eyes and froze. Why do I always get such a shock?

An electric bolt through my heart, a hammer to my head. I stared. A moment later another opportunity lost. You also looked like deer caught in headlights, and disappeared into the crowd soon after. I don’t know how to use a situation to my advantage like Silvi. She would have done something. But I couldn’t, and you wouldn’t or couldn’t either.

So here I am again, replaying that scenario in my head with my preferred outcome:

I turn around and lock eyes with you,Lokie, and we smile. You come over and say hi.

And I say something like: “Hi Lokie, where are you going?”

“I have to get something from art supplies, you wanna come?”

“Yeah sure!” I smile.

And we go together, and chat about everything and nothing, and then you look at me all serious, we lock eyes again, from up close this time. Electricity crackling. The feeling of euphoria is so overwhelming.

“You feel it too?” you say quietly after a while.

“Yeah.” I nod.

And then you might say something like this: “What are we doing? Let’s just stop this stupid game. I feel really drawn to you for some reason, and I would like to know why.”

“I knew it!”

“What?” you look at me questioningly.

“That you feel exactly the same way as I do.”

We smile again, and get a little shy with all the revelations.

“Lokie, I just want to say, that I am really sorry, you know for saying those words, and for behaving kinda crazy.”

And you put your finger on my lips. “Shh, it’s okay, I get it, Gianka.”

And cut! The daydream stops there, I seem to have a trouble of getting passed the initial breaking the ice scene. I play it in my head a few more times, it’s lovely, I can’t stop.

The worst thing is that it could have easily happened that way. If only…