Part 22 Cinema Paralysis
15th October 1993
M. wants to meet me in Prague, as in for a date! I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t ever think about him like I do about Lokie.
The closer it gets to the date, the more I dread it! I am not even sure why.
So here I am, on a train on the way to meet M. in city centre. I am not even late this time, I feel sick. I wish I was late! I am always late, but today of all days, today, I am on time. Damn!
Gia put the journal in her backpack, and with a heavy heart, made her way up the escalators. It was a beautiful autumn day, that had a kind of joyful feel in the air. Not a match for Gia’s inner turmoil. She walked slower and slower, hoping he won’t be there anymore.
Yes! That’s it! I will deliberately make myself late and miss it altogether!
She wandered around, glancing in shop windows and watching life go by. She watched as ordinary people rushed home from work, and tourists walked about slowly, stopping once in a while to take a photograph of an old building or another, or of each other in front of some historical monument.
Gia enjoyed her favourite pastime of imagining what these people’s lives were like. Their age, personalities, kind of job, relationships, pastimes, likes and dislikes…She completely lost herself in this alternative universe, always aware of time, though, because there are big identical clocks on almost every corner or lamppost in Prague.
Funny, she never realised it before. It must be a relic from the past communistic order. By the time she got to the meeting point half an hour late, surely enough M. was gone. Yay!
22nd October 1993
It’s getting worse. Everything gets to me easily, but why? Kai told me what K stands for in Lokie’s signature in his paintings. So it’s true, I was dreading that!
So how is it with you and her, Lokie? Do you also just secretly desire her, or are your feelings mutual? That explains a lot, now I understand…
I finally understand, and I am glad not to drown in uncertainty. Then again, what if it’s better not to know? But there is always someone who is willing to tell.
If only I knew, what he wanted to say,
I’d shut his mouth, or tried to run away.
I wouldn’t be sitting here, just now, like this,
I would be looking for another joy not to miss,
I would think differently,
I wouldn’t mourn secretly,
I would be in a better mood,
This knowledge not pursued.
He was careless with his words,
No idea what he’s caused,
Eager with the truth to fill me,
Why didn’t he rather kill me?
And when I tell you, Sylvi, you will just say:
Forget it, you’ll see,
for now just let it be,
and what shall be,
We’ll think of something,
worry about nothing,
this is not a debacle,
a girl is not an obstacle!
23rd October 1993
I have to think of you all the time, Lokie, why? Why can’t I look at you like you are just a friend? You are not, though, are you? And I really like you, you are more than that. Perhaps it’s my fault, that you think of another.
I know how it is, I also had my first love, we were on and off, and then on again. I’m playing a sad song on a tape, over and over again. I was never looking forward to Sundays.
It’s different now, I am a little older, but again someone is overtaking my brain! And you know it, surely you must know it! So why don’t you do anything about it? Why are you silent?
Only your eyes screaming…
I just wanna kick something, such emptiness inside, I truly don’t know, what to do and how to carry on.
I remember, you were sitting there, and the other flapping in the autumn air.
31st October 1993
We went to a cinema with the class today. I was a little late, and missed the girls at our meeting spot, so I just sat by myself near the isle, and got ready to watch the film.
The lights went out, and the screen flickered into life. All of a sudden a solitary figure slipped into an empty seat right beside me. It was Lokie!
I froze. I was so shocked, I almost forgot to breath. He didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I didn’t even looked at him at all.
I am sure he regretted his move as soon as he sat down, because the atmosphere got so dense, you could probably slice it with a knife!
I don’t even remember what the movie was about, I just could not follow the plot, as if I was in some kind of altered state. My senses were on high alert to any movement next to me.
I however was still paralysed to a point of my limbs getting pins and needles after a while, but I didn’t dare to move, not even a millimeter.
The movie took forever, then there was a funny scene, the only scene of the whole film I do remember. A giant dog, a Great Dane jumped up at somebody, knocked them over, and licked them to death.
Lokie laughed, I laughed a little too, because it was quite funny, and I saw an opportunity to reposition myself in the seat. What a relief!
And then it was over, the lights came on so brutally. Suddenly the cinema was full of movement and noise.
I was finally allowed to move too, I shifted and started to put my coat on. When I turned around, quite determined to say something to Lokie, something stupid anyway, like hey, that was quite a good movie, huh?
I just saw him quickly disappearing into the river of people. My heart sank, he was literally running away! Like he couldn’t get away faster enough. Damn!
At first I thought, that I might still see him outside, perhaps he would wait, but no, when I got out, there was no sign of him anywhere.
Okay, what was all that about? What is wrong with me, with him, with us? I am such an idiot, I am always daydreaming about him coming over to me, and when he does, I completely freak out, and I am unable to respond. He must hate me, it was so awkward. I think, I do not trust myself to speak to him anymore, because every time I do, I say the wrong thing, and I just can’t do it anymore. So I just freeze.
Oh why, Lokie? Maybe he didn’t mean anything by that at all. No, no way! He coud have sat anywhere, there were plenty of empty seats available, He chose to sit next to me. But why didn’t he say anything and then run away?
And what about K?
Oh Lokie, you are killing me!
Photo by Gia.