Part 18 Autumn Anticipation
My heart is wild, and overflowing with loving emotion. My hungry soul is feeding on the positive energy, that is all around me. I feel everything, and I am bursting with inspiration.
Gone is the boredom, gone are the dark thoughts of the summer. I just love my high school, and I look forward to every new day, just to see you, Lokie.
I am so happy I can see you, even if we don’t talk. I am happy to wait for now, because I know we will. For now I have your eyes, they give me the roller coaster rides. I know you feel it too.
It’s not just that, though, there is something else between us, I am not sure what it is. It’s like you are trying to tell me something. Maybe we could help each other, I don’t know, it’s a mystery to me.
I am looking forward to our autumn trip. Only fourteen days away! I was blown away, when the teacher told us, where we are going. What a coincidence, that it happens to be the very same little village in the mountains,that we went to just a few weeks ago with my mate Sylvia to look for her wayward boyfriend.
We haven’t actually met him there, just people who knew him, so maybe we might be able to see him there. That means, that Sylvia is coming too, I am so excited!
3rd September 1993
It’s the hardest thing in the world! To reveal myself or hide myself? I just don’t know what to do. I am petrified….,scared to loose control over myself, and give it to you, so you could do anything you want with me,and then loose interest in me.
I just have to find a way,for you to respect me and love me,so you wont’t hurt me. The other often doesn’t know,the other can’t imagine,what it’s like,whilst the first would freeze the time. That’s why I have to hide some parts of me,so I don’t do anything stupid.I so want this to work out,I just want a little bit of love. Your love, Lokie.
If you ever read this Lokie! No, I would never want you to read this! I felt so awkward today, when I had to walk past you and Peter. You looked straight at me, and when I was around the corner you and Peter said something and laughed. Please don’t do that, I am not that strong, my nerves are getting to me!
12th September 1993
It really gets to me when I can’t write, when I want to, when I need to. There is always someone around.
You are an idiot, Lokie! Why are you torturing me? I LOVE YOU! Do you understand? Or you just don’t get it?
I just want to know, when we are going to talk again, probably not at school. On the school trip? I just don’t know, it’s so hard.
Our spring trip now seems like a dream, and everything that’s happened there. Has it really happened?
I am starting to want more now. Seeing you at school is just not enough any more. I want to talk to you, be with you… Be with you all the time.
The girls in the class are getting on my nerves too. Leni keeps asking why I like you, and what is it, that I like about you? They don’t get it, when I love someone, they are beautiful to me, I don’t care what anyone says!
14th September 1993
I didn’t see you today, Lokie. Where were you? I hope you will be at school tomorrow. Do you think we will talk tomorrow? I don’t know, maybe, or maybe not.
Your amazing dark eyes…Are you looking forward to our school trip? Why is it, that when I see you, everything flips inside me? What goes through your head, when you look at me? Why Lokie? Why do I love you?
There are so many questions, you probably couldn’t even answer, Lokie.
I am going crazy from all of this.
Freezing, waiting for a tram,
crazy wind flowing all around,
I know what I will do,
an idea just came through!
Next to me, there is a stall,
wind playing with my shawl.
I am getting closer, nearer,
now I can see it clearer.
A desire to feel nice and warm,
a long wait to transform.
Mulled wine is the biggest sign,
so enticing like a cloud nine.
I gladly join the line,
the wine will soon be mine.
Others disposing of empty cups,
a few sips and their mood ups.
It is finally my turn,
and I look around,
I see people at the end of the line,
that envy me my mulled wine.
The wine seller then smiles,
gives me my cup and my heart dies.
A warm liquid spreading through my limbs,
its cold, a Christmas bell not quite rings.
20th September 1993
It’s the 20th of September already, and I still don’t know where I stand, and it’s really getting me down.
What are you doing now, Lokie? Two more days and we are going on our trip. Who knows what will happen there? Sylvia is definitely going to join us there. I feel better knowing, that a good friend will be with me. Hopefully we will meet her boyfriend there too! How exciting!
But it will be over so fast, I can already see myself writing: ” We just got back from our trip and…”
At least one wish will come true for me though. I will be with you all the time again, Lokie! What do you think? Are we going to be there together? I just want to know so badly!
I just remembered, that Sylvia didn’t finish the story. “A great love story of Gia and Lokie.” She feeds my imagination, and I love it, but she doesn’t give me everything, she always finishes with a cliffhanger, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.
What are you doing Sylvi? Hope you are having a good time! I am sitting here without you tonight, I hope you remember me too. I will see you there on wednesday, okay? I know you will, I can easily answer for you, but not for Lokie. I don’t know him, and it’s killing me! I can’t wait to be there already!
Photo by Gia.