Part 16 Horribly Beautiful Summer
Summer holidays begin in two days. How terrible! It is a fact, that I am a little scared, after what happened last year, but what can I do?
I just have to be strong, and deal with it, and look forward to the 1st of September, when I will see everybody from the class again, especially you, Lokie. I am not sure how I can cope with not seeing you for two long months. It’s just gonna be the worst time ever, so boring, BORING, CRISIS, CRISIS…
And you Lokie, still don’t get it! But I am not one of those girls, that will keep going up to a guy, and grovel…Especially after the last, and only time I tried, it’s up to you now, because I am not doing it.
I know you tried, and I shot you down for a change, girl’s got her pride, you know. Maybe I should have gone with you, but we had such a nice time, and my brain and heart needed to process it. It was the first time we actually really talked! What if I ruined it?
Everything went back to normal the following day, no talking, just looks, your eyes burning holes into mine. It’s killing me, Lokie.
29th June 1993
It is the last day of school tomorrow, the last day I will have your eyes, and then nothing for two months. It is the last day and I know, we will do nothing, anyway I hope you will enjoy your holidays, Lokie!
16th July 1993
I am visiting Grandma in the summer house, and I will not see you for another forty six days, Lokie. I am going to a rock festival tomorrow, and you are going with me, well in my head, as usual. I hope you are faithful to me, like I am to you. Well at least my heart is, and always will be yours.
I so want to see you, Lokie. Just bump into you somewhere, on the street, that would be amazing! But I have to be strong, and just hang in there, and if I am patient, it will be even more beautiful later. We will have a whole school year together again. I am a little worried though, that when we get to know each other better, we will get disappointed, and get on each other’s nerves. But for now, I still love you, Lokie!
5th August 1993
Oh no, I am so confused! Rocky is back, and he claims, he loves me again, and wants us to be together. I don’t know if I trust him, my heart is remembering the beautiful feelings from last year, but also not so beautiful feelings, the pain, so maybe…
Hills on the horizon, brushes and paints,
memories of you are flooding my brains,
seeing your eyes, hearing your voice,
lurking black pain,
there is no choice,
I love you again!
Can’t wait till the day,
I will see you, again.
afraid a little,
hope a little,
that you meant, what you wrote,
that your view hasn’t changed,
like mine stayed the same.
Just one look, I submit to you,
again and again…
We will be together once more,
again, at least for a while,
is that what you meant?
7th August 1993
Once more, trees and hills on the horizon,
landscape beautifully engaging,
Dew on the trees like orion.
Again my feelings are changing.
It’s not jealousy bringing me down,
only sadness is following me.
I finally see clearly around,
the reason for this rhyming spree!
I just have to write what’s going through my head,
everyone just wants to be a winner in their own stead.
The days are dragging,
slowly but surely.
The pain will stop bragging,
I see that clearly,
my heart will heal, and open once more,
when I’ll get back home,
I will see you gloriously soar,
I will go crazy, you know.
But only if I won’t forget though,
’cause time is a terrible liar,
and I am still waiting for,
what you are gonna do with my desire.
Maybe I am waiting in vain,
maybe even you don’t care,
about my pain,
all I got is your stare.
L. O. K. I. E. I want you to help me,
help me to forget.
It would be easy, you got the key,
you are like a magnet,
pulling me in,
perhaps it’s you,
causing the spin,
you know it’s true,
my beautiful craze,
I’ll see you in twenty four days.
Photo by Gia.