Part 14 Emotions
The journal slipped out of Gia’s hands, big hot tears falling. She spent several hours with the sixteen year old Gia and Lokie, and it felt so real, more real than anything in the world. Emotions so strong, colourful, powerful…
It’s so surprising to her, how obvious it is now, after all these years, that Lokie liked her too. How could she not see it then? Her heart was breaking, because she knew, what was coming next. It was a beautiful beginning, still so innocent, simple and unspoiled, if only she knew then! And if only she knew, how it would all end…
She longed to see him again, to talk to him. She had to laugh through the veil of tears, some things don’t change, no matter how much times passes.
Was it even possible to see him again? The girls from the class stayed in touch, but they didn’t know where any of the boys ended up.
“Where are you Lokie?” she thought. “Is he even still alive?” a thought crossed her mind. He could be anywhere. What if, she will never find him again? No, she has to, she has to talk to him! She so wants to laugh with him, how silly and naive they used to be. She also wants to apologise to him. She knows she hurt him a lot, and she wants to say sorry and explain! “I just hope it’s not too late!”
Gia picked up the journal again.
31st May 1993
Maybe you don’t know or understand Lokie, but I think I love you. I just don’t know, if you feel the same. Probably not. I am not brave enough to come to you, since we got back from the trip. You are the same, no more visits from you. There is no opportunity, a small classroom with all of our classmates around us. All I have now are your eyes. I get it, no privacy, you don’t like an audience, but I miss you, so much…
I hope you didn’t forget me, and that you are drawing something for me! Anything will do, because I love everything, that has something to do with you. I should have said yes, when you offered to draw me a picture.
Every evening, when I go to sleep and close my eyes, I see flashbacks from the trip, our encounters, you coming closer to me, and teasing me with the matches, and me coming to your room every evening for cigarettes, and annoying Peter.
The electric eye locks, accidental touches, almost talks…
All the moments, spent with you, are running through my head on a loop, over and over again. Your expression, and what you said to me at times. I miss everything, even the silliness.
I know, that nothing will probably happen now, and I will have to look forward to the next school trip, and I can’t wait. Just like I couldn’t wait to go to this trip, and hoped we would start talking. But now, I think, talking wouldn’t be enough for me anymore. I wish to be close to you, to hold your hand, talk about life and everything, share our innermost feelings…
Maybe you see it all differently, maybe you already have a girlfriend, that you love and care about. That would be my “luck”, I always fall in love with the wrong person, or at the wrong time, but there is nothing I can do about that.
Even if I tell myself not to think about you, you always invade my thoughts. You are on my mind constantly, I even dream about you at night, and if I don’t see you for a day, it’s like an eternity.
I can’t stand it anymore! I have no idea what to think about all of this, how to explain these feelings to myself. When you lock eyes with me. I just want to say “What? What is it, Lokie?”, but then I realise that we are not alone.
I honestly don’t know what to do, and I don’t think, that anybody could advise me. The only thing I know for certain, is that it is up to me, how I react and what I do, because I know that you will not come to me, Lokie, maybe even if you wanted, and that makes me so incredibly sad.
Photo by Gia