Part 4 Spring feelings
The last five years were fast paced, adventurous and exciting for Gia. She moved to England, changed jobs frequently and moved often, meeting lots of people of different cultures than her own.
She welcomed the new experiences, and for the first time in her life she felt carefree and happy, despite some very difficult situations she got herself in, due to naivety and perceived invincibility of youth.
Sometimes she went hungry and sometimes she was without a job, but that didn’t matter, she was free, and everything was her decision, and her decision only.
She picked up English quite quickly, forced by circumstances to communicate, there was no time and place for embarrassment. She also had an inner urge to learn quickly. Gia didn’t want to feel stupid and inadequate. Plus she was making friends and wanted to share and talk with them.
Gia’s confidence grew in the UK too, English and foreign guys paid her lots of compliments, and she definitely wasn’t used to that! She was cautious though, and only had a few boyfriends. One of which was definitely an accidental boyfriend.
Eduardo was Spanish, he said hello to her on Oxford Street, and immediately started pursuing Gia. Gia didn’t like him that way though. However they became very close friends and he kept on pursuing her until she gave in. It didn’t last though, it was volatile and Gia didn’t need that.
Besides she wasn’t good at reltionships, she didn’t understand how it worked. She found it very difficult to reveal any of her feelings to anyone. She always had to present cool and composed front, to stay in control, especially of her emotions. She didn’t know any better, the only thing she knew was, that she didn’t want to get hurt. As if loving someone openly, and showing loving feelings was a weakness of character.
09th March 1993
“I am very happy with myself today! I didn’t look at Luke at all, I am done playing stupid games. I completely ignored him, even though I felt his eyes seeking mine.
Now I have to work on relaxing a little in the class, I hate myself being so self aware, quiet and shy, controlling my every move, because I know he is watching, and I am so fucking shy. Grrrr I hate it! Just forget about him,ok?
That means: no more thinking about him, where and when I might talk to him, not imagining anything! No searching for his location, in the classroom, at lunch break, at a bus stop, in the hall-no more!I shouldn’t care where he is and what he is doing!
It would help though, if he stopped staring at me constantly, maybe if I stop he will too! Yeah that’s it!”
23rd March 1993
“I am doing really well-not looking at him, I even said something quite loud and funny in the studio today, everybody laughed. But I still felt self conscious. He wasn’t there yesterday and I missed him, but at the same time I relaxed and I was myself again, talking and laughing with everybody. I don’t get it, why can’t I be like that when he is around??
Went to grandma’s last weekend and met a cute guy at a gig on saturday, he seems nice, we talked a lot. I will probably see him again next weekend. I had fun after quite a long time and forgot about L. Anna went with me and we had such a blast! Drank too much though, ended up falling in the bush on the way home, not good!”
03rd April 1993
“It’s spring and the urge of nature is so strong! All these exciting feelings are in the air, one can almost grab them. I saw M. at grandmas again, Anna got together with his friend and we ended up in their place, after the gig. M. was not talking that much this time, all he wanted was sex. Me too, I was so horny, we did it. He is alright, but I don’t feel anything for him, he looks ok, has a big nose though like from Bosh’s painting.”
30th April 1993
“Spending all my weekends at grandmas now, glad to get away from home, they stopped imposing their rules and don’t ask what I do, yay! Went to a pub with bunch of older people and slept in a friends house. A guy nicknamed Ninja with knocked out front teeth took interest in Anna and I. We quickly started calling him dad, so he doesn’t think he has a chance. He is weird, talking about killing himself all the time. When we were walking down the street and he was holding my hand we bumped into M. and his friends, hilarious LOL.
Met with M. later and explained, they had a party in a garden with a bonfire and a lot of booze. It was “Witches night”, an old pagan celebration, saying good bye to winter. M. was all over me, touching me everywhere in front of everyone, so I was quite glad when we wandered down the garden into a dark spot. We had sex in all kinds of positions.”
03rd May 1993
“Nooo, I failed miserably today. I happened to glance up just as Luke was staring and then the most incredible feelings all exploding at once inside me, starting with an electric jolt in my heart and a head rush, I got hot and flustered. Grrr why, why, why????
We are going away with the class at the end of May for five days. Can’t wait!”
About giasuniverseI am compelled to create, I now realize that this is a gift from God, I want to make him happy by sharing it with others. My aim is to bring enjoyment to people, and help in any way I can. I wish to know and do many things. Some of them I do and others I do in my imaginary life. A life long learner, a truth seeker, a philosopher, a dreamer, an adventurer, an artist, and a writer on this wonderful journey called life.
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